Oh gosh this feels weird. I used to write all of the time - it used to be the only thing I thought about or ever even had the energy to do. For as long as I can remember, it was the only way for me to gather my true thoughts, the ones that hide in the cobwebs, and take a lighter to them to burn. Words used to soothe me and make me sane and it hasn't been for a long time that I feel like I need to open up my mouth again and let them come out. For a period of a year - a long long time ago in another life time of mine - I said too many things - I lived too fast and I harmed myself greatly but I think I'm ready again, to open up and to stop feeling like words are an enemy of destruction brought to unease my jaded and clogged mind. I'm not sure how to even begin with this but I am going to try and get back that connection I had with myself that I have so severely lost. I've gone from a girl who made countless mistakes to a woman who finally feels her place in this world, regardless of the mistakes still made. I have been beaten down, I have been my own worst enemy, I have embraced love and pushed it away, I have seen the very inside of hell and I have grappled and pulled my way back up to the sun - yet my heart is still full of the most pure form of desire, motivation and understanding. I am ready to share my thoughts with the world because now they are the truth and not the emotion masked in deceit that I have become so accustomed to. There is no more Poe or Thompson or Wilde in my words, there is the simplest form of human existence and I have existed more times that I can count. I may have been those men, I may have walked in their shoes, I may have beaten with their hearts and coursed through their veins. I have so much beauty to teach this world that at times, I cannot bare how overwhelmed it feels to know that I could touch the hearts of many and leave them more fulfilled than they could have ever imagined. If only I were to try. And try is my demise for I spend so much time trying to provide for myself and my life that I often forget to provide for my soul.
My course has been to open my mind, indefinitely and show to others that there is no reason to back down to anyone or anything and to be only be yourself, in any and every state that you are, possibly can be and to every extent possible while loving every single second - whether it is torture or bliss.
I wish myself good luck in this journey for I know how easy it will be for me to ignore.
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