He gets me
He says what I want to say
I'm sad that he died
I'm sad that almost everyone I really have ever looked up to is dead
Except my Mom
Who at some point will also have to die
And my world will fall apart
I was thinking about my Grandfathers
I never got to meet the TRW engineer
I never got to ask him about his life
Only had to hear it from his terrible wife
I still don't get why he loved her
But thank goodness he did, or my Father wouldn't be here
I have so much to ask him
I know he would have loved me
I know he would have put me through college
I know I would have been different
I didn't have enough time with my other Grandfather
From 1986-2001 he was everything to me
He was tough as nails and took no shit
He gave no shit and lived how he wanted
He provided for his family even if he wasn't perfect
He picked the most generous woman to marry
And gave me the best thing on this earth
I wish I could have talked to him more
I wish I could have learned more
I wish I could have hugged him more
And hear him say, keep your head up sugar
Everything you get through puts hair on your chest
Man up
I wish I could see them. I wish I could tell them all the things I never got to say.
So many things.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Mitt Romney wasn't THAT bad (PLZ take me with a grain of salt, or many grains)
So, for the first time in my entire life - I watched an entire Republican GOP convention. I don't even watch the Democratic conventions because well, I fucking hate politics of any kind. All humans lie. Especially when it's to get what they want. I've never claimed a party - mostly because growing up, I always watched my Mom vote for the Democrats and my Dad voted Republican. This allowed me to be open to either party because really, they are just there for the illusion of choice. The thing people don't seem to understand very much is that it doesn't really matter who is the public face we like to call "President". That word stopped meaning very much a long time ago, probably around the time of FDR. Ever since then, they are just part of a huge big plan that is far beyond comprehension. Even if you could comprehend the scale of how big, you wouldn't want to because it would drive you insane.
Regardless, in saying all this - I still, HATE all politicians. But moving on.
Mitt Romney spent a majority of last night vomiting pro-America statements all over everyone and smiling while all the old people in his audience (dressed in American Flag sweatshirts and miscellaneous other "flare", we will call it) chanted U.S.A, U.S.A. Fucking right, U.S.A. Whoever helped him write his speech was pretty good, I'm definitely going to admit that. He gave the American people what they are lacking right now, which is faith in this country. You can look around on any given day and see that this country is almost at the worst point that it's ever been, I would even go as far as to call this the 2nd Great Depression. Shit is fucked. Like, on a royal level. Let's not point any fingers because at the end of the day, I'm really not clear on whose fault anything actually is - just that collectively, the people who have been in charge of this country for the last 12 years have pretty much done nothing but keep us at war, keep people dying and keep Americans poor and jobless. I will NOT get into Bush and 9/11. I will NOT get into the fact that Obama really hasn't been all that great - because people don't want to hear the truth. Which is the exact reason why politicians lie.. Go figure.
The main thing that people should pay attention to is that although Obama has done an okay job with the pile of shit that he was left by Mr. George DUBBAYA Bush - he isn't running this country like a true American. And rightfully so because, there is a really good chance that he really isn't American. Slight potential slip in the system there. I agree with him on making things more fair for people but I don't agree with the way he intends on doing it. Especially because if he is re-elected this term, his decisions will heavily affect my workplace, the people I work for, the people I work with and the businesses that we represent. Want to know why? Because Obamacare is going to FUCK, SHIT, UP. I have to talk to people on the phone every single day that are so afraid to sell their healthcare business right now because they know they won't get what it's worth because if Obamacare goes through, it changes absolutely everything about the industry. I also talk to people who want to sell their business ASAP so that IF Obamacare gets passed, they won't have to deal with the repercussions of it. And yeah, I know what people want to say "ohhhh you don't want healthcare for all?" Of course I do. But I don't want Obamacare. Sorry.
I also feel the same way I did in 2004 when Bush was reelected. He didn't deserve a 2nd chance and I honestly don't think Obama does either. He wasn't given much to work with but he hasn't done that much either. (Other than STATING that he is OK with gay marriage but NOT really advocating for it on a federal level. Other than being Pro-Choice, which is a generally a STATE issue, not federal so somewhat irrelevant). He also leaked classified information on the Navy Seals that "killed" Bin Laden, which was a huge national security breach and put those families in danger just because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I'm not saying I'm voting for Romney. Fuck, I am NOT going to vote at all. Which pretty much makes this whole thing pointless because people are like "you shouldn't complain if you don't vote" and all that P.Diddy "Rock the Vote" shit but sorry, my 1st amendment is still in place (FOR NOW) so I'll say whatever the fuck I want. About whatever the fuck I want.
It's like that episode of South Park where Obama and McCain work together to get Obama into office just so that they can rob the vault via the tunnel under the White House. It doesn't matter who wins this election - they just want you to think that you have a choice. What do you think happened to all those votes in Florida during the Gore/Bush election? That was "them". That was "them" wanting Bush to win over Gore. There are over 22 algorithmic equations regarding who is going to win this election. The mathematicians that preform them have been correct in the last, well, every election. Want to know who they predicted to win this one? Romney. Want to know why? Because the American people are finally, FINALLY, *FUCKING FINALLY* pissed off enough at this country and the state of things that they want CHANGE. Actual CHANGE not like, HOPE and shit. And unfortunately for Obama, CHANGE now means him... you know, not being in office.
There are many many things that I do not agree with Romney about. However, there are many many many things that Obama has done that were not in the best interest of the American people. But he's done a very good job being a Kardashian and making people think he has their interest in mind. His whole existence is a Hollywood reality show. Appearance, appearance, appearance.
If it was up to me, neither one of them would be president. I would try to summon the dead ghost of Kennedy before I would ever vote for either of these assholes BUT, I do think that people are focusing on the wrong things, again. And again, everyone is believing people that are trained to LIE to you.
All I know is that at this point, I would rather have a successful business man running our country than an attorney. Even though NEITHER of them have any military experience, which is a bit of a concern but I can overlook that. And NOT to say that Romney should be that businessman running the country but at least he knows how to balance a fucking budget. And create jobs. How many corporations has Obama started, funded and followed into success? NONE. How many jobs did he create for Americans over the last 4 years? -23 million.
And what I have to say is that no matter who wins, I'm preparing for shit to get way worse than it is now, so that I can be surprised if someone fixes the mess that we are in. That's the only way to live life. Aim low so that you don't get disappointed. OR, aim high and be ready to constantly, mostly likely, in most cases, get disappointed.
EXPECT NOTHING, QUESTION EVERYTHING. TRUST NO ONE.
P.S. Again, I do not like Romney, nor am I voting for him. But Obama is not the President we need. And I'm really sorry if you think so. The President we need is not even running for office this election and probably never will. We need a human, not a puppet/robot/piece of shit.
Hate on me all you want.
Regardless, in saying all this - I still, HATE all politicians. But moving on.
Mitt Romney spent a majority of last night vomiting pro-America statements all over everyone and smiling while all the old people in his audience (dressed in American Flag sweatshirts and miscellaneous other "flare", we will call it) chanted U.S.A, U.S.A. Fucking right, U.S.A. Whoever helped him write his speech was pretty good, I'm definitely going to admit that. He gave the American people what they are lacking right now, which is faith in this country. You can look around on any given day and see that this country is almost at the worst point that it's ever been, I would even go as far as to call this the 2nd Great Depression. Shit is fucked. Like, on a royal level. Let's not point any fingers because at the end of the day, I'm really not clear on whose fault anything actually is - just that collectively, the people who have been in charge of this country for the last 12 years have pretty much done nothing but keep us at war, keep people dying and keep Americans poor and jobless. I will NOT get into Bush and 9/11. I will NOT get into the fact that Obama really hasn't been all that great - because people don't want to hear the truth. Which is the exact reason why politicians lie.. Go figure.
The main thing that people should pay attention to is that although Obama has done an okay job with the pile of shit that he was left by Mr. George DUBBAYA Bush - he isn't running this country like a true American. And rightfully so because, there is a really good chance that he really isn't American. Slight potential slip in the system there. I agree with him on making things more fair for people but I don't agree with the way he intends on doing it. Especially because if he is re-elected this term, his decisions will heavily affect my workplace, the people I work for, the people I work with and the businesses that we represent. Want to know why? Because Obamacare is going to FUCK, SHIT, UP. I have to talk to people on the phone every single day that are so afraid to sell their healthcare business right now because they know they won't get what it's worth because if Obamacare goes through, it changes absolutely everything about the industry. I also talk to people who want to sell their business ASAP so that IF Obamacare gets passed, they won't have to deal with the repercussions of it. And yeah, I know what people want to say "ohhhh you don't want healthcare for all?" Of course I do. But I don't want Obamacare. Sorry.
I also feel the same way I did in 2004 when Bush was reelected. He didn't deserve a 2nd chance and I honestly don't think Obama does either. He wasn't given much to work with but he hasn't done that much either. (Other than STATING that he is OK with gay marriage but NOT really advocating for it on a federal level. Other than being Pro-Choice, which is a generally a STATE issue, not federal so somewhat irrelevant). He also leaked classified information on the Navy Seals that "killed" Bin Laden, which was a huge national security breach and put those families in danger just because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I'm not saying I'm voting for Romney. Fuck, I am NOT going to vote at all. Which pretty much makes this whole thing pointless because people are like "you shouldn't complain if you don't vote" and all that P.Diddy "Rock the Vote" shit but sorry, my 1st amendment is still in place (FOR NOW) so I'll say whatever the fuck I want. About whatever the fuck I want.
It's like that episode of South Park where Obama and McCain work together to get Obama into office just so that they can rob the vault via the tunnel under the White House. It doesn't matter who wins this election - they just want you to think that you have a choice. What do you think happened to all those votes in Florida during the Gore/Bush election? That was "them". That was "them" wanting Bush to win over Gore. There are over 22 algorithmic equations regarding who is going to win this election. The mathematicians that preform them have been correct in the last, well, every election. Want to know who they predicted to win this one? Romney. Want to know why? Because the American people are finally, FINALLY, *FUCKING FINALLY* pissed off enough at this country and the state of things that they want CHANGE. Actual CHANGE not like, HOPE and shit. And unfortunately for Obama, CHANGE now means him... you know, not being in office.
There are many many things that I do not agree with Romney about. However, there are many many many things that Obama has done that were not in the best interest of the American people. But he's done a very good job being a Kardashian and making people think he has their interest in mind. His whole existence is a Hollywood reality show. Appearance, appearance, appearance.
If it was up to me, neither one of them would be president. I would try to summon the dead ghost of Kennedy before I would ever vote for either of these assholes BUT, I do think that people are focusing on the wrong things, again. And again, everyone is believing people that are trained to LIE to you.
All I know is that at this point, I would rather have a successful business man running our country than an attorney. Even though NEITHER of them have any military experience, which is a bit of a concern but I can overlook that. And NOT to say that Romney should be that businessman running the country but at least he knows how to balance a fucking budget. And create jobs. How many corporations has Obama started, funded and followed into success? NONE. How many jobs did he create for Americans over the last 4 years? -23 million.
And what I have to say is that no matter who wins, I'm preparing for shit to get way worse than it is now, so that I can be surprised if someone fixes the mess that we are in. That's the only way to live life. Aim low so that you don't get disappointed. OR, aim high and be ready to constantly, mostly likely, in most cases, get disappointed.
EXPECT NOTHING, QUESTION EVERYTHING. TRUST NO ONE.
P.S. Again, I do not like Romney, nor am I voting for him. But Obama is not the President we need. And I'm really sorry if you think so. The President we need is not even running for office this election and probably never will. We need a human, not a puppet/robot/piece of shit.
Hate on me all you want.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
HEALTHY & SANE/INSANELY UNHEALTHY?
After the success of my 2010 New Year’s Resolution to stop
smoking cigarettes after like, I dunno 7 years of not even really enjoying them
- my new year’s resolution for 2012 was to start exercising. Like, in any way humanly possible for my lazy,
unmotivated ass. I figured as a 25 year
old woman, I should start to try and do something to keep myself in shape, or
some sort of shape – regardless of the other choices in life that I make. It’s not about being skinny, I don’t seem to
have a problem with that part – but it was to get my ass off the couch and do
something that works for me to be active and involved in… well, life. Anyway, my main point is how hilarious my
list of “healthy” daily activities is – so I thought I would share what keeps
me sane. Or mentally insane. Not sure which is correct.
- Drink way less soda than normal. I think I’ve gone from like 4-5 Diet Cokes a day down to about 1 or 2. DON’T JUDGE ME.
- - Drink way more water instead. Which should be obvious but isn’t as easy as it sounds.
- - Take 2 Xanax a day (as per Dr. Schreiber’s orders)
- - Smoke weed everyday (as per Dr. Dre’s orders)
- - Take 4, 3.5 mile walks each week. No skipping days but switching off days is allowed.
- - Eat a full breakfast, snack at lunch and small (sometimes shitty/unhealthy but low calorie) dinner. Being poor helps a lot with this one.
- - Buy and consume V8 Fruit & Veggie juice at least once a day. FULL SERVING OF BOTH IN EVERY CUP, YO!
- - Be sure to eat at LEAST 3 Mexican meals per week.
- - Drink 2 beers and 1 shot of Kentucky whiskey each night. (Despite Rx medication suggestions not to drink alcohol. Pfft)
- - Use those 2 beers as motivation to do 200-300 crunches (using medicine ball) prior to opening said beers. Each night. No excuses. Regardless of bong rips.
- - Watch every sunset you possibly can.
- - Talk to your Mom at least once a day. Using her as a therapist works wonders and saves money.
- - Drink at home. This lessens your chances of 1. Getting a DUI 2. Getting killed by a drunk driver and 3. Saves way more money than bars.
- - Last but not least, sleep all weekend. I mean like, for as long as possible, as late as possible.
TRUST ME! FOLLOW THESE WONDERFUL INSTRUCTIONS – I ALMOST WAS
A NURSE.
Lift Her, Pull Her
Dear Sean Daley,
This is going to sound crazy. I've never even thought to write any sort of fan letter before and technically this isn't a fan letter because there's no way in hell that you're ever going to read it - so go figure. I was sitting around last night when a thought occurred to me - you know when people ask you that dumb question, "if you could go to dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you pick?". I've decided that my answer is you. A lot of people might argue with that, saying shit like, you know - there are so many ridiculously incredible, talented people that you could choose from... A lot of people would pick like Marilyn Monroe or like, I dunno, Ernest Hemingway maybe, if they had a brain. Damn, I mean there's a lot of really great people to choose from but mine would still be you.
I've been listening to your music since my sophomore year of high school, so let's say 2001 to be safe. I'll admit that I got on the Atmosphere train somewhere between God Loves Ugly and Seven's Travels - so I boarded a little late. But better late than never right? I used to doodle your lyrics in the pages of my homework planner instead of taking notes in class. I did well in school regardless but it was your lyrics that made me do much better, in life. My major influence has always been story-telling - I've wanted to be a writer my whole life - my favorite people on this planet have been writers, poets, and rappers - to me, it's all the same. It's the art of taking thoughts and turning them into the most beautiful of creations and infiltrating people's minds and hearts. To this day, Always Coming Back Home to You gives me goosebumps. Every. Single. Time. And that's just scraping the surface at this point. I could go on for hours about each song you have and what it means to me but really, none of that matters. What matters to me is that there is not one song if yours that is like the other and if you listen close, you can hear you growing up and progressing in each and every one of them. Each song of yours has meant the world to me at one point or another and every time, still bring me back to that place - negative or positive - I feel it. Then there's FELT and your features on Living Legends songs - despite your accomplished company, you always are the shining star on those tracks as well. For me. (Your verse on Nothing Less leaves me breathless.)
Ever since you have become a slave to Intagram like the rest of us, I have developed a new love for you and all that you do. The pictures that you post are almost as close to me as your lyrics, especially all of the recent ones of Portland that you keep throwing up. I spent the last, almost 4 years of my life in Portland - after growing up as a Los Angeles girl. The pictures that you chose to post from there have brightened my days, for many days in a row. Especially seeing your family at Cannon Beach and just getting a glimpse at your personal life. I have always seen you as a humble, regular guy who just happens to be full of something so amazing that it has affected so many kids (who are now adults) just like me. I remember seeing you at the Troubadour in LA about 10 years ago, it was one of the best shows of my life other than the first time I caught you at Warped Tour at the LA Colosseum in 2001. The energy and life experience that you exude is remarkable and memorizing. This is my reason for why I would want to have dinner with you. I would want a regular conversation, with a regular person, who has kept is so real and so genuine despite the massive amounts of shit that have surrounded the music industry in the recent years, gradually and then suddenly.
It is strange to see you getting older but I have to feel so lucky as to have been able to grow up with you. I hope that through the years you have found your balance. I know that you have helped me find mine. No matter where I go, no matter what I do...
From the heaven I've had, to the hell I've been through...
This is going to sound crazy. I've never even thought to write any sort of fan letter before and technically this isn't a fan letter because there's no way in hell that you're ever going to read it - so go figure. I was sitting around last night when a thought occurred to me - you know when people ask you that dumb question, "if you could go to dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you pick?". I've decided that my answer is you. A lot of people might argue with that, saying shit like, you know - there are so many ridiculously incredible, talented people that you could choose from... A lot of people would pick like Marilyn Monroe or like, I dunno, Ernest Hemingway maybe, if they had a brain. Damn, I mean there's a lot of really great people to choose from but mine would still be you.
I've been listening to your music since my sophomore year of high school, so let's say 2001 to be safe. I'll admit that I got on the Atmosphere train somewhere between God Loves Ugly and Seven's Travels - so I boarded a little late. But better late than never right? I used to doodle your lyrics in the pages of my homework planner instead of taking notes in class. I did well in school regardless but it was your lyrics that made me do much better, in life. My major influence has always been story-telling - I've wanted to be a writer my whole life - my favorite people on this planet have been writers, poets, and rappers - to me, it's all the same. It's the art of taking thoughts and turning them into the most beautiful of creations and infiltrating people's minds and hearts. To this day, Always Coming Back Home to You gives me goosebumps. Every. Single. Time. And that's just scraping the surface at this point. I could go on for hours about each song you have and what it means to me but really, none of that matters. What matters to me is that there is not one song if yours that is like the other and if you listen close, you can hear you growing up and progressing in each and every one of them. Each song of yours has meant the world to me at one point or another and every time, still bring me back to that place - negative or positive - I feel it. Then there's FELT and your features on Living Legends songs - despite your accomplished company, you always are the shining star on those tracks as well. For me. (Your verse on Nothing Less leaves me breathless.)
Ever since you have become a slave to Intagram like the rest of us, I have developed a new love for you and all that you do. The pictures that you post are almost as close to me as your lyrics, especially all of the recent ones of Portland that you keep throwing up. I spent the last, almost 4 years of my life in Portland - after growing up as a Los Angeles girl. The pictures that you chose to post from there have brightened my days, for many days in a row. Especially seeing your family at Cannon Beach and just getting a glimpse at your personal life. I have always seen you as a humble, regular guy who just happens to be full of something so amazing that it has affected so many kids (who are now adults) just like me. I remember seeing you at the Troubadour in LA about 10 years ago, it was one of the best shows of my life other than the first time I caught you at Warped Tour at the LA Colosseum in 2001. The energy and life experience that you exude is remarkable and memorizing. This is my reason for why I would want to have dinner with you. I would want a regular conversation, with a regular person, who has kept is so real and so genuine despite the massive amounts of shit that have surrounded the music industry in the recent years, gradually and then suddenly.
It is strange to see you getting older but I have to feel so lucky as to have been able to grow up with you. I hope that through the years you have found your balance. I know that you have helped me find mine. No matter where I go, no matter what I do...
From the heaven I've had, to the hell I've been through...
Monday, August 27, 2012
BRRRRRATT BRRRRRRRRATTT
Falling asleep to the sound of machine guns - fake ones, (Call of Duty/Medal of Honor/Halo/Counter Strike...just to name a few, over the years) makes me feel safe. Most would find it distracting but if you know me at all, which you probably don't, I have no trouble going to sleep - especially if my friend Mary Jane is involved. I slept through the Northridge earthquake, I've fallen asleep on the floor of punk rock shows, hell, I'd probably even sleep through a fire if the occasion arose. Once I am asleep, it is very hard to wake me. Sleep has always been possibly, the best friend I've ever had.
Last night was the first night in awhile that I got to fall asleep to the sound of semi-automatic rifles and it reminded me of all the other times that I have been rocked to sleep imagining bullets flying everywhere but no where close to me. Hitting fake people connected to real people on the other side - who are not getting injured. Re-spawning over and over again - if only that's how life really worked. I can only imagine that it makes me feel safe because I know that it's my boyfriend playing video games and that he is watching over me awhile I rest. The noise reminds me of boys that I've loved and how I never want to not hear the sound of machine guns blasting from time to time, caused by the constant pushing of buttons on a Playstation controller of a boy that I love.
Last night was the first night in awhile that I got to fall asleep to the sound of semi-automatic rifles and it reminded me of all the other times that I have been rocked to sleep imagining bullets flying everywhere but no where close to me. Hitting fake people connected to real people on the other side - who are not getting injured. Re-spawning over and over again - if only that's how life really worked. I can only imagine that it makes me feel safe because I know that it's my boyfriend playing video games and that he is watching over me awhile I rest. The noise reminds me of boys that I've loved and how I never want to not hear the sound of machine guns blasting from time to time, caused by the constant pushing of buttons on a Playstation controller of a boy that I love.
Ain't gonna lie
My main goal in life has been to be Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.
But I'd settle for for her role as Stephanie Zinone in Grease 2.
But I'd settle for for her role as Stephanie Zinone in Grease 2.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
If you regret nothing, you are a fool.
PEOPLE WHO TELL ME THEY REGRET NOTHING MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.
Such a crutch - go ahead, tell yourself you love all your mistakes - whatever helps you sleep at night.
Now, let's not get me wrong here - I think that it's healthy to LOVE what you have become and therefore, not focus on the regrets and past mistakes, because DUH, you wouldn't be who you are NOW if you didn't make those mistakes THEN. I can dig that - cause I feel that way myself, in many many many ways. BUT, don't you dare tell me that if you were given a choice to go back, you wouldn't do ONE thing different. Please bro. I'm talking HYPO-thetically now. Like if the genie from Aladdin popped outta fucking nowhere and asked you if you had anything you would want to change, there would be a little voice inside of your head urging you - "yeah man...let's go back and not do that one thing...", "let's go back and make that different decision". You might not listen to it, you might dust it off but I won't believe for a second that there wouldn't be a quick minute where you would consider it. SORRY.
But yeah, that butterfly effect is some crazy shit - I can't say I'd wanna fuck with it but I do know that I have regrets (which I'm not afraid to face or admit) and I wonder if I would have done things differently if I would still be sitting on this windowsill, 5 steps away from the beach, watching the same Simpsons episode for the 400th time and waiting for BEER O'CLOCK. Answer: probably not. Other answer: possibly. 50/50. Who knows.
The little devil that lives on my shoulder and I have done a lot of things together. We've gone through the ups and the downs and the upside downs and we've made it through pretty well. But we wonder if we would have listened to the angel on the other side a little more often, where we could have ended up. Then we look at each other and go..."NAHHHH, that shit was too fun.", "NAAHHH, if I would have listened to everyone else, I wouldn't have Taco", "NAHHH, it took those fucked up situations to make me into the strong beast I am today". Etc, etc.
The point is to make peace with your regrets and glorify them the way ought to be, let them sink into your skin and become a cohesive part of your being. Be afraid that you have done some things wrong, made some wrong turns but be happy in the fact that you are still alive, breathing and hopefully full of more experience than if you would have taken the easy way. Don't push them away and pretend like they don't exist - that's how shit gets messy. Don't demonize them to the point where you think that you need to erase them. They are out there somewhere, in the universe swirling around - might as well keep them in your pocket and have them close to you - to remind you that you may not want to make them again. Regret is power and knowledge built into one entity of survival and beauty. Regret is what makes you turn into the person you always envisioned yourself to be - to say that you have no regret is to basically say you have made each decision as you wanted to, in the correct time and place in space. To not regret is to say that your life is perfect and hunny, no one's life is perfect. Each life is a constant change of artwork mixed with joyous moments and extreme pain. Life is about imperfections and still loving everything for what it is - as it is.
People could argue with me on this, all day - as almost everything else that comes out of my mouth/hands/soul. Regardless, I'm not afraid to face the demons that have escaped from me nor am I afraid to admit that I have done some majorly fucked up things but as long as the goodness that you do outshines the negative - regrets should remain somewhere inbetween - as a grey color of reminder that human nature is to be flawed and to take each battle wound as a trophy - not a scar.
I NEVER MAKE ANY SENSE, DO I? Or...perhaps I make too much of it.
We're all a little mad here.
Such a crutch - go ahead, tell yourself you love all your mistakes - whatever helps you sleep at night.
Now, let's not get me wrong here - I think that it's healthy to LOVE what you have become and therefore, not focus on the regrets and past mistakes, because DUH, you wouldn't be who you are NOW if you didn't make those mistakes THEN. I can dig that - cause I feel that way myself, in many many many ways. BUT, don't you dare tell me that if you were given a choice to go back, you wouldn't do ONE thing different. Please bro. I'm talking HYPO-thetically now. Like if the genie from Aladdin popped outta fucking nowhere and asked you if you had anything you would want to change, there would be a little voice inside of your head urging you - "yeah man...let's go back and not do that one thing...", "let's go back and make that different decision". You might not listen to it, you might dust it off but I won't believe for a second that there wouldn't be a quick minute where you would consider it. SORRY.
But yeah, that butterfly effect is some crazy shit - I can't say I'd wanna fuck with it but I do know that I have regrets (which I'm not afraid to face or admit) and I wonder if I would have done things differently if I would still be sitting on this windowsill, 5 steps away from the beach, watching the same Simpsons episode for the 400th time and waiting for BEER O'CLOCK. Answer: probably not. Other answer: possibly. 50/50. Who knows.
The little devil that lives on my shoulder and I have done a lot of things together. We've gone through the ups and the downs and the upside downs and we've made it through pretty well. But we wonder if we would have listened to the angel on the other side a little more often, where we could have ended up. Then we look at each other and go..."NAHHHH, that shit was too fun.", "NAAHHH, if I would have listened to everyone else, I wouldn't have Taco", "NAHHH, it took those fucked up situations to make me into the strong beast I am today". Etc, etc.
The point is to make peace with your regrets and glorify them the way ought to be, let them sink into your skin and become a cohesive part of your being. Be afraid that you have done some things wrong, made some wrong turns but be happy in the fact that you are still alive, breathing and hopefully full of more experience than if you would have taken the easy way. Don't push them away and pretend like they don't exist - that's how shit gets messy. Don't demonize them to the point where you think that you need to erase them. They are out there somewhere, in the universe swirling around - might as well keep them in your pocket and have them close to you - to remind you that you may not want to make them again. Regret is power and knowledge built into one entity of survival and beauty. Regret is what makes you turn into the person you always envisioned yourself to be - to say that you have no regret is to basically say you have made each decision as you wanted to, in the correct time and place in space. To not regret is to say that your life is perfect and hunny, no one's life is perfect. Each life is a constant change of artwork mixed with joyous moments and extreme pain. Life is about imperfections and still loving everything for what it is - as it is.
People could argue with me on this, all day - as almost everything else that comes out of my mouth/hands/soul. Regardless, I'm not afraid to face the demons that have escaped from me nor am I afraid to admit that I have done some majorly fucked up things but as long as the goodness that you do outshines the negative - regrets should remain somewhere inbetween - as a grey color of reminder that human nature is to be flawed and to take each battle wound as a trophy - not a scar.
I NEVER MAKE ANY SENSE, DO I? Or...perhaps I make too much of it.
We're all a little mad here.
THANK YOU BABY, I'M HAVING A REAL GREAT TIME
I AM THE DEVIL. AND I CAME HERE TO DO THE DEVIL'S WORK.
favorite writer, director, musician of all time.
favorite writer, director, musician of all time.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I HAD A DREAM....
Of prescription drugs and never having to pay rent or bills ever again.
Of dogs all around me and Taco serving as the Queen and my bf's dog was the King.
Of cold nights where I needed many blankets to sleep. And pillows felt like the clouds you see outside of airplane windows.
My comforter was made of Chanel logo's and cashmere.
Scrambled eggs with Sriracha were delivered to my door at any time of the day, evening or night.
There were never-ending movie channels that only played Harry Potter and Quentin Tarantino.
When I woke up, I felt that I had been asleep for years. I could have been dead for all I know. But when I opened my eyes, I know that I was alive and the dream was gone. Yet, I am restful for the first day in far too long.
I HAVE MANY DREAMS.
Of dogs all around me and Taco serving as the Queen and my bf's dog was the King.
Of cold nights where I needed many blankets to sleep. And pillows felt like the clouds you see outside of airplane windows.
My comforter was made of Chanel logo's and cashmere.
Scrambled eggs with Sriracha were delivered to my door at any time of the day, evening or night.
There were never-ending movie channels that only played Harry Potter and Quentin Tarantino.
When I woke up, I felt that I had been asleep for years. I could have been dead for all I know. But when I opened my eyes, I know that I was alive and the dream was gone. Yet, I am restful for the first day in far too long.
I HAVE MANY DREAMS.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Here goes 15 year old Madie
This is going to sound like an adolescent post about my self esteem and how emo I am about the things that happen to me - and that, by the end of this entry I'm going to go dye my hair black again and cut my arms. I don't mean it in that way. This entry is not some self-loathing piece of shit that I feel like vomiting on all over the internet - not this time. I'm 25 years old and I'm about to be 26 and I'm starting to realize that there are just things about me that people who have to be around me all the time start to hate. It's like, all the reasons why people fall in love with me end up being the reasons why they start to dislike everything I do.
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW, LEAVE ME IN THE DARK - IF I CAN'T HOLD IT THAN I CAN'T TEAR IT APART. AND IT SEEMS IF, EVERYTHING I TOUCH COMES TO PIECES"
Been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. If people get close enough to me, I end up doing something - something totally unexplainable to push them away - to make them start to focus on my flaws, the many many that I have. I fall apart inside. I stop communicating properly, I stop showing affection properly, I stop knowing how to act or feel or be because all I want to do is make people happy and then I end up trying so hard that I put everything into reverse. People get frustrated with my considerate indecision. People start to hate that I consult them for decisions - that I sometimes get so hungry that I need them to pick somewhere to eat for me. They stop wanting me to mess around with them and use my horrible sense of humor. I start to distance myself because I revert back to being the independent mostly-only-child that I have always been. They stop loving my feistyness - my I-don't-give-a-fuck-ness, my cynicism and slightly overdone pessimism. AND I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND IT. IT ALWAYS MAKES SENSE BECAUSE I KNOW I'M DOING IT BUT I CAN'T STOP. Destruction runs somewhere deep and dark inside me - growing up in turmoil, I feel like it's all that I know. My Mom tried to keep things balanced but I will never blame her for what has happened to me because she has been the only solid existence in my world - through the good and bad.
Unfortunately, she is the only person that understands all weird things about me and loves me unconditionally anyway.
I'm reserved, I keep things to myself - even things that I shouldn't keep and then I hide them from everyone until I explode. I overestimate my strength on a daily basis and when I am around someone else all the time, it's a constant reminder of the failures that I can be to this human life of mine. I never let people bring me down, I know that I am good and loving and all that good shit that I have known exists in there that shines through my eyes and my heart. I don't let people's opinions of me upset me and bring me to a place of utter despair - yet, how can I ignore so many of the same complaints over the last 10 years.
My boss said something to a friend on the phone yesterday about his Ferrari - "it's the best thing for a week and then it's only a drag". It made me think of how the men in my life have always seemed to think of me. I know it's not true - I know they adore me or they wouldn't stick around and deal with my bullshit but why do I always feel like I'm the defensive linebacker on an NFL team when I'm at home, alone with them and my miserable brain. I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS DRAMA - but it fuels from somewhere that I cannot control - that I get deluded with because I never know if it's me or them. Or everything. I AM JUST A PERSON. An imperfect person who will never be anything near perfect but I know that I could be - for someone who let's me be the mess that I am and just hugs me when I melt to the floor. Perhaps my notion of myself is far from reality - perhaps, I have deleted reality from my world - it is fully possible that I have flipped that switch - I would not be surprised but I also know that I have more reason and reliability and rationality than most people have in their little finger - but it all comes out wrong. Every time.
I'm sitting here alone because he had to leave again - the person who I know loves me but can't stand the ways I do things sometimes. I DON'T BLAME HIM. I do make the mistakes he says I do - he is not the enemy although sometimes I know I make him out to be. He is so much smarter than me and he deals with no bullshit. I am full of bullshit. I need my dog - I need my sanity. I need to WAKE UP, STAND UP, and try to fix the cracks in this being that they all call Madie but that I only think of as this existence - this life.
I will sit here and drink beer and try to laugh at 30 Rock (even though it not as funny as it used to be Tina Fey, I'm sad). I will stop feeling sorry for myself and my shit tornado that follows me everywhere. You know that little sad depressed umbrella that follows that cartoon woman around in the Cymbalta commercial? Or whatever anti-depressant shit that is? That umbrella is me. I've lost track of where the sun is and how to look at it the way I need to. I have my black out curtains set so low and so extremely to block out the bad - that I have also now blocked out all good.
HOW DID I REVERT BACK THIS FAR? I had my whole life set out. Now I'm scrabbling to find myself in the maze I've created. Dark, twisted and far far far away from home (Oregon). Los Angeles has not been my home for too long.
I will regret this in the morning. By then it will be too late but the delete button will still exist. And boy, I might use it.
TACO, I NEED YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LEFT YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE AND I AM FLOUNDERING WITHOUT YOU
LOVE, YOUR FUCKED UP MOM
P.S. Just because I sound sad or whatever, doesn't mean I actually am. I have many compartments to myself. This is only 1 of them. I am the most magical, strong motherfucker there is.
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW, LEAVE ME IN THE DARK - IF I CAN'T HOLD IT THAN I CAN'T TEAR IT APART. AND IT SEEMS IF, EVERYTHING I TOUCH COMES TO PIECES"
Been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. If people get close enough to me, I end up doing something - something totally unexplainable to push them away - to make them start to focus on my flaws, the many many that I have. I fall apart inside. I stop communicating properly, I stop showing affection properly, I stop knowing how to act or feel or be because all I want to do is make people happy and then I end up trying so hard that I put everything into reverse. People get frustrated with my considerate indecision. People start to hate that I consult them for decisions - that I sometimes get so hungry that I need them to pick somewhere to eat for me. They stop wanting me to mess around with them and use my horrible sense of humor. I start to distance myself because I revert back to being the independent mostly-only-child that I have always been. They stop loving my feistyness - my I-don't-give-a-fuck-ness, my cynicism and slightly overdone pessimism. AND I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND IT. IT ALWAYS MAKES SENSE BECAUSE I KNOW I'M DOING IT BUT I CAN'T STOP. Destruction runs somewhere deep and dark inside me - growing up in turmoil, I feel like it's all that I know. My Mom tried to keep things balanced but I will never blame her for what has happened to me because she has been the only solid existence in my world - through the good and bad.
Unfortunately, she is the only person that understands all weird things about me and loves me unconditionally anyway.
I'm reserved, I keep things to myself - even things that I shouldn't keep and then I hide them from everyone until I explode. I overestimate my strength on a daily basis and when I am around someone else all the time, it's a constant reminder of the failures that I can be to this human life of mine. I never let people bring me down, I know that I am good and loving and all that good shit that I have known exists in there that shines through my eyes and my heart. I don't let people's opinions of me upset me and bring me to a place of utter despair - yet, how can I ignore so many of the same complaints over the last 10 years.
My boss said something to a friend on the phone yesterday about his Ferrari - "it's the best thing for a week and then it's only a drag". It made me think of how the men in my life have always seemed to think of me. I know it's not true - I know they adore me or they wouldn't stick around and deal with my bullshit but why do I always feel like I'm the defensive linebacker on an NFL team when I'm at home, alone with them and my miserable brain. I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS DRAMA - but it fuels from somewhere that I cannot control - that I get deluded with because I never know if it's me or them. Or everything. I AM JUST A PERSON. An imperfect person who will never be anything near perfect but I know that I could be - for someone who let's me be the mess that I am and just hugs me when I melt to the floor. Perhaps my notion of myself is far from reality - perhaps, I have deleted reality from my world - it is fully possible that I have flipped that switch - I would not be surprised but I also know that I have more reason and reliability and rationality than most people have in their little finger - but it all comes out wrong. Every time.
I'm sitting here alone because he had to leave again - the person who I know loves me but can't stand the ways I do things sometimes. I DON'T BLAME HIM. I do make the mistakes he says I do - he is not the enemy although sometimes I know I make him out to be. He is so much smarter than me and he deals with no bullshit. I am full of bullshit. I need my dog - I need my sanity. I need to WAKE UP, STAND UP, and try to fix the cracks in this being that they all call Madie but that I only think of as this existence - this life.
I will sit here and drink beer and try to laugh at 30 Rock (even though it not as funny as it used to be Tina Fey, I'm sad). I will stop feeling sorry for myself and my shit tornado that follows me everywhere. You know that little sad depressed umbrella that follows that cartoon woman around in the Cymbalta commercial? Or whatever anti-depressant shit that is? That umbrella is me. I've lost track of where the sun is and how to look at it the way I need to. I have my black out curtains set so low and so extremely to block out the bad - that I have also now blocked out all good.
HOW DID I REVERT BACK THIS FAR? I had my whole life set out. Now I'm scrabbling to find myself in the maze I've created. Dark, twisted and far far far away from home (Oregon). Los Angeles has not been my home for too long.
I will regret this in the morning. By then it will be too late but the delete button will still exist. And boy, I might use it.
TACO, I NEED YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LEFT YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE AND I AM FLOUNDERING WITHOUT YOU
LOVE, YOUR FUCKED UP MOM
P.S. Just because I sound sad or whatever, doesn't mean I actually am. I have many compartments to myself. This is only 1 of them. I am the most magical, strong motherfucker there is.
All I want to do is go home and watch 8 Mile
Today has been a piece of shit!
AND I THOUGHT YESTERDAY WAS BAD.
This morning I was ready for work, in my new Creep Street crewneck that I was so excited to wear - and as I'm walking out to my car, I notice that the front license plate is gone! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? Literally, I couldn't even react. I just picked up the 2 screws that they had so nicely left on the ground in front of my car, my cracked license place frame and went to work. The hilarious part is that my tags expire in September so I have no idea why they would even want my plate - other than to..you know, go rob a bank and use it as the get away license. I can't even wait to hear what happens - if anything. But seriously, what a fucking asshole. I can't say it enough times -
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE HUMANS
I HATE BAD HUMAN PEOPLE
I ALSO HATE CARS. Could they be more annoying? It's like a constant money pit that you throw and throw dollars at but they ain't shakin their asses, they're just being pieces of shit that take your money.
I've already dealt with the police report (shout out to the dickbag at the Pacific Region PD that was of barely any help), DMV and have mailed in my request for new plates and $34 dollars that I had to pay. I wish that I could find the disgusting retard that took my plate. I would kick him in the face, rob him of all his money and throw him off a cliff. Bet he wouldn't inconvenience me again then - cause he'd be dead. Or close to it.
Take a breath.
I just wish that this beautiful world was not so infiltrated with such horrible human beings. How could you look around this place and feel like you were so entitled to take other people's things? And not even just that - everything awful that humans do. Look at that bountiful forest - let's fucking cut all the trees down! Look at that ocean, it's so glorious - let's dump a bunch of oil in it! Look at those amber waves of grain - let's fucking build huge ass buildings and strip malls we don't need and fill them with things people don't need!
/Rant
Time to go home from work. IT'S FRIDAY!!!!
AND I THOUGHT YESTERDAY WAS BAD.
This morning I was ready for work, in my new Creep Street crewneck that I was so excited to wear - and as I'm walking out to my car, I notice that the front license plate is gone! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? Literally, I couldn't even react. I just picked up the 2 screws that they had so nicely left on the ground in front of my car, my cracked license place frame and went to work. The hilarious part is that my tags expire in September so I have no idea why they would even want my plate - other than to..you know, go rob a bank and use it as the get away license. I can't even wait to hear what happens - if anything. But seriously, what a fucking asshole. I can't say it enough times -
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE HUMANS
I HATE BAD HUMAN PEOPLE
I ALSO HATE CARS. Could they be more annoying? It's like a constant money pit that you throw and throw dollars at but they ain't shakin their asses, they're just being pieces of shit that take your money.
I've already dealt with the police report (shout out to the dickbag at the Pacific Region PD that was of barely any help), DMV and have mailed in my request for new plates and $34 dollars that I had to pay. I wish that I could find the disgusting retard that took my plate. I would kick him in the face, rob him of all his money and throw him off a cliff. Bet he wouldn't inconvenience me again then - cause he'd be dead. Or close to it.
Take a breath.
I just wish that this beautiful world was not so infiltrated with such horrible human beings. How could you look around this place and feel like you were so entitled to take other people's things? And not even just that - everything awful that humans do. Look at that bountiful forest - let's fucking cut all the trees down! Look at that ocean, it's so glorious - let's dump a bunch of oil in it! Look at those amber waves of grain - let's fucking build huge ass buildings and strip malls we don't need and fill them with things people don't need!
/Rant
Time to go home from work. IT'S FRIDAY!!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Blunt Emails
It's funny how I always end up finally writing emails back to my family when I'm high. I don't think I do it on purpose because it always makes it so that I end up taking like an hour to write something that should take 10 minutes - but there's something so amusing that I find about it. And each email is so well written! If only they knew.
Love,
the most responsible stoner ever.
Love,
the most responsible stoner ever.
CAR POOL TUNNEL SYNDROME
I've always thought it was such a funny name that I never call it correctly. Car pool tunnel is far better than carpal. Whatever dude.
Anyway, I had planned on writing a whole blog entry about some bullshit while I sat here on my lunch break but then I started thinking about how often my hands hurt. Getting old is some shit - I never really expected it to happen so quickly. Since about 1997 or whenever the fuck I first got my new computer - total spoiled kid - definitely before Y2K, I've been typing. When I wasn't typing in my Word Document diary circa 1999 listing to DMX and Eve - I was playing Super Nintendo. If I wasn't playing Super Nintendo, I was spending hours in front of the TV while it rained playing Mario Kart 64 and seeing how quickly I could bet Super Mario 64 without taking any bathroom breaks. Then it was Tony Hawk - don't even get me started.
In middle school, it was AOL chat rooms - A/S/L. How creepy was that shit? Sometimes I can't even imagine how bad that could have gotten or gone but I've always had a good head on these shoulders. Even when I'm stupid, I'm smart. In high school, I spent every waking hour and mostly every hour I shouldn't have been awake on AIM. If it wasn't on AIM talking to boys that I had crushes on trying to impress, I was writing in Open Diary, then Live Journal... the list is endless. If I wasn't typing, I was writing. If I wasn't writing, I was doodling. Even in school, I probably wrote more words and doodles than I ever took actual notes. I don't even remember studying for a single test. Not even the SATs. All I cared about were figuring out my own thoughts, not everyone else's. Side tracked.
I wanted to write this entry but all I could think about is how much I type. My job for the last 5 years has been to type - data entry, emails, blah blah blah. For 8 hours every day, all I do is type. Then I go home and I type more bullshit - Tweets, Tumblr, this shit. If I'm not typing, I'm texting (Blogger editor is telling me that texting isn't a word - REALLY!? get with it) or writing notes that I don't need in my phone that I forget to ever look at again. There are days were I start to feel the pain in my hands from the constant movement and it frightens me. I am already a crazy hypochondriac - the last thing I need is to actually feel like my hands might be joining the leagues of the CAR POOL TUNNEL. What happens then? I need these bad boys - they are my biggest asset. I've built a career with these things that for so long I took for granted.
Regardless, getting old is getting lame and even though I fully enjoy the wisdom and experience and craziness that I have been through - my body is starting to tell me that it didn't enjoy everything quite as much as I did. I haven't even started on the worst of it all, the many nights and days I spent doing nothing but trying to secretly destroy myself. Yet, that is for another time and another story for when I feel like I have the energy to put myself through it again. My energy has been sucked dry - by the vampire called me.
Back to work. To type some more. And you know, answer phone calls of people who want me to then type things to them. Comon hands and fingers and wrists - bare with me. I love you.
Anyway, I had planned on writing a whole blog entry about some bullshit while I sat here on my lunch break but then I started thinking about how often my hands hurt. Getting old is some shit - I never really expected it to happen so quickly. Since about 1997 or whenever the fuck I first got my new computer - total spoiled kid - definitely before Y2K, I've been typing. When I wasn't typing in my Word Document diary circa 1999 listing to DMX and Eve - I was playing Super Nintendo. If I wasn't playing Super Nintendo, I was spending hours in front of the TV while it rained playing Mario Kart 64 and seeing how quickly I could bet Super Mario 64 without taking any bathroom breaks. Then it was Tony Hawk - don't even get me started.
In middle school, it was AOL chat rooms - A/S/L. How creepy was that shit? Sometimes I can't even imagine how bad that could have gotten or gone but I've always had a good head on these shoulders. Even when I'm stupid, I'm smart. In high school, I spent every waking hour and mostly every hour I shouldn't have been awake on AIM. If it wasn't on AIM talking to boys that I had crushes on trying to impress, I was writing in Open Diary, then Live Journal... the list is endless. If I wasn't typing, I was writing. If I wasn't writing, I was doodling. Even in school, I probably wrote more words and doodles than I ever took actual notes. I don't even remember studying for a single test. Not even the SATs. All I cared about were figuring out my own thoughts, not everyone else's. Side tracked.
I wanted to write this entry but all I could think about is how much I type. My job for the last 5 years has been to type - data entry, emails, blah blah blah. For 8 hours every day, all I do is type. Then I go home and I type more bullshit - Tweets, Tumblr, this shit. If I'm not typing, I'm texting (Blogger editor is telling me that texting isn't a word - REALLY!? get with it) or writing notes that I don't need in my phone that I forget to ever look at again. There are days were I start to feel the pain in my hands from the constant movement and it frightens me. I am already a crazy hypochondriac - the last thing I need is to actually feel like my hands might be joining the leagues of the CAR POOL TUNNEL. What happens then? I need these bad boys - they are my biggest asset. I've built a career with these things that for so long I took for granted.
Regardless, getting old is getting lame and even though I fully enjoy the wisdom and experience and craziness that I have been through - my body is starting to tell me that it didn't enjoy everything quite as much as I did. I haven't even started on the worst of it all, the many nights and days I spent doing nothing but trying to secretly destroy myself. Yet, that is for another time and another story for when I feel like I have the energy to put myself through it again. My energy has been sucked dry - by the vampire called me.
Back to work. To type some more. And you know, answer phone calls of people who want me to then type things to them. Comon hands and fingers and wrists - bare with me. I love you.
The Deli (Life is Beautiful)
I was at the deli by my house/work today that I rarely go to. Maybe once, maybe twice. I happened to be wearing shorts and a tank top, which is rare but it's been so hot these days - it's hard not to. I was standing in the aisle looking at all the different types of beverages that they had. I keep looking over and seeing this wonderful Latina lady, who was preparing the deli meats looking at me. She had a smile on her face so I decided to smile back. I stood there for a couple of minutes looking at this weird energy drink that I've never heard of that honestly kind of scared me. I then turned away to walk to the cash register to check out. On my way past the deli she looked at me and smiled and said "you are the most beautiful, your tattoos - they are more than beautiful". I had never had a stranger say the most wonderful thing like that to me. I smiled and told her that she was very wonderful and I thanked her for thinking so. I could tell she did not speak much English and I appreciated her even saying anything to me at all. I will always remember her and probably go back at some point and hope to see her there, smiling. She seemed like such a happy woman. It made my day. I've had a lot of people compliment my tattoos and I have enjoyed each persons thoughts on them very much and appreciate that they see them as I do - but this one was different. Her sincerity was outstanding. Most of the time I just get the backhanded compliments...
"I don't like tattoos but yours are really beautiful".
People comment on my tattoos all of the time, which is not the reason I have them - but happens to be one of the few downsides sometimes. I get all sorts of weird comments at the grocery store, awful leers from some elderly people or those that do not understand why I have chosen to put such things on my body forever. It doesn't bother me, I understand people's opinions of things and why they have them but I hate feeling their negativity. Which is why ever since I've started to get tattoos, I've always tried to show people that it doesn't matter what is on my skin, I am still exactly the same as I would be without it. Except, I wouldn't be anything like myself without them - I cannot imagine live without each and every one.
My point is, the most beautiful people sometimes are the ones that normally, you would completely pass by without knowing. Smile at everyone. Be kind and thankful for each day you exist and for people appreciating you for everything that you are. Inside or out. Or both. For someone who hates people so much, I love them with all my heart. Contradiction #1409124 of my personality.
"I don't like tattoos but yours are really beautiful".
People comment on my tattoos all of the time, which is not the reason I have them - but happens to be one of the few downsides sometimes. I get all sorts of weird comments at the grocery store, awful leers from some elderly people or those that do not understand why I have chosen to put such things on my body forever. It doesn't bother me, I understand people's opinions of things and why they have them but I hate feeling their negativity. Which is why ever since I've started to get tattoos, I've always tried to show people that it doesn't matter what is on my skin, I am still exactly the same as I would be without it. Except, I wouldn't be anything like myself without them - I cannot imagine live without each and every one.
My point is, the most beautiful people sometimes are the ones that normally, you would completely pass by without knowing. Smile at everyone. Be kind and thankful for each day you exist and for people appreciating you for everything that you are. Inside or out. Or both. For someone who hates people so much, I love them with all my heart. Contradiction #1409124 of my personality.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Drunk Quotes #1
“So therefore I dedicate myself to myself, to my
art, to my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my sufferances, my loneliness,
my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger- because I cannot
dedicate myself to any fellow being.”
| — | Jack Kerouac |
Monday, August 20, 2012
James Holmes
I'm about to watch a documentary tonight about James Holmes. I'm still not convinced that he did it. Or that he acted alone. Police scanner records (that I heard personally on the night of the shooting) tell otherwise and much wasn't reported correctly by the police - not to my surprise. The gag order is also an interesting touch on the whole thing. I think he is a patsy. I think he is a Sirhan Sirhan. I think he is a Lee Harvey Oswald - but I can't figure out why. Gun laws? I mean this in no way to disrespect the victims or the families but I think the man they think killed their loved ones was not necessarily who he is being portrayed to be. I'm not saying he couldn't have done it, but open your mind. I mean really open it and not be force fed.
Disregard all I say. Speculation can get you killed but truth will always prevail. I am going to go cuddle with my Hello Kitties and drink some beer and pretend that there are no conspiracies.
Edit: 12:02am 8/21/12:
Just finished this documentary. If you want to know anything you should take the small amount of time it takes to watch it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qk6OOvgjYdY
Not everything you see or hear is what you are meant to believe.
Disregard all I say. Speculation can get you killed but truth will always prevail. I am going to go cuddle with my Hello Kitties and drink some beer and pretend that there are no conspiracies.
Edit: 12:02am 8/21/12:
Just finished this documentary. If you want to know anything you should take the small amount of time it takes to watch it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qk6OOvgjYdY
Not everything you see or hear is what you are meant to believe.
It's Monday (And I'm Absolutely _______)
This time I'm sober writing this - not that there's ever that much of a difference between the two. I'm not completely ever sober since technically the medications I am on "alter" my existence to some degree. But I say screw the people who think that substances are bad. Everything is bad for you. Life is bad for you if you let it be. I'm so sick of people telling me what's bad. Soda is bad. Carbs are bad. Not enough sleep is bad. Microwave radiation is bad. Well fuck man, like I said, everything is bad. I could live my whole life not doing anything to this temple body of mine and then one day I'm walking across the street and BAM, hit by a car. Dead. Died. Shit. That would be bad too.
I'm sick of people's definitions of things. You aren't me, you don't know whether or not my body wants a 22oz Diet Coke in the morning. Fuck your coffee - you hypocrite. Everyone thinks that what they think is best - that's the funny part. Throughout my whole life, I've given the best advice and you want to know why it's the best advice? Because I always preface it with "this is what I would do, not necessarily what is best for you to do". I also conclude it the same way "that is what I would do, but please do what you feel is best for you". Take it or leave it. I don't expect people to not give a fuck like I do, I don't expect people to always do the right thing or the thing that they think is the right thing or the thing they've been taught is the right thing. Fuck the right thing. There is no right thing - there's the thing that is best for you. People are herded into these categories of who and what and when and where and why and it's disgusting. Yet, those same people admire snowflakes for being so different. Well, guess what? Snowflakes are people. People are snowflakes. Nothing should ever be the same or consistent - what type of world would that be? People are so afraid of everything that it almost frightens me that I am not a human being. I'm afraid of everything but I'm afraid of absolutely nothing at the same time - the world is paralyzing and frozen with fear. The most evil of things rule this world with their fearing fists and condemning minds. The people in charge are the ones that are most afraid of everything and yet the people who have nothing to lose are the ones who are punished for living their life freely and beautifully and without regard for the next thing to happen. If you are constantly looking back at the things done wrong and constantly looking for the future greatness that you "expect" - what the FUCK are you doing in the now? You are doing nothing but perpetuating what they want you to do - be content and follow their guidelines.
Each year that I age, I see more and more of the bullshit that I began to take notice to when I was younger. My parents taught me about JFK when I was 8 years old. I watched the original Zapruder film of JFK getting shot with my Dad in 1991. He asked me, "which direction do you think this man was shot from?" And I answered "from the front". That film changed my life. I was lucky that my parents were always skeptics and that they told me not to believe everything. Not in a paranoid way but in a human instinct kind of way. Ever since then, I have always looked at the details, not the associated press. Who is anyone? Why do you trust anyone? What gives you the need to feel like you need to believe what you are told? 9/11 did it for me. 9/11 broke every spirit I had of naivety or innocence that I had left. Fuck, I even lost my virginity before 9/11 but that shit took all my innocence and threw it into a dumpster in an alley where a prostitute was getting fucked for her daily score of heroin. That's what the people in charge of this country do to you. They lie to you and they expect for you to sit there and listen and want to become like them. They are delusional psychopaths that think that their lies match up with the obvious truths they are too afraid to admit to. They want you to be in fear of everything. They want you to fear God and his wrath and their crazy stories. They want you to fear the terrorists, the wars, the bombings, the nuclear weapons but really - they are the ones that created it all. They are the terrorists and it goes further than what's going on in the world. The people who tell us what to do and think and be in this country are the terrorists who are terrorizing your life. And they don't give a fuck. As long as they get what they want. Which is your money, your faith, and your devotion.
I've lost track of my point today. It's hard to write at work when my mind is being taken up by responsibilities and duties. I knew my mind needed help coming together - I am addled and disjointed and so far from my brain that I'm not even sure how it still operates my whole body. I am in the outer limits. I am in the abyss. And luckily, that seems to be the place to be - because paying attention to the world and the state of it is severely detrimental to my health. Worst part? This is me sober. Or, you know, somewhat sober. There we go with labels again. I'm lucky I'm so good at composing myself in real life or else I don't think I'd be where I am today. This mind of mine, it goes too fast and thinks too much and most of the time sounds like a crazy train entering the mental health institution station. Oh, the familiarity of myself that I had forgotten. Even the harmony and happiness that I have found in my life do not overthrow my desire to learn more and question EVERYTHING. Especially authority. Who the fuck is authority? My Mother gave me LIFE and as far as I'm concerned, she's the only authority that I should ever have to listen to and sometimes I don't even listen to her.
MY LIFE. MY RULES. MY HEART. FUCK YOU.
I'm sick of people's definitions of things. You aren't me, you don't know whether or not my body wants a 22oz Diet Coke in the morning. Fuck your coffee - you hypocrite. Everyone thinks that what they think is best - that's the funny part. Throughout my whole life, I've given the best advice and you want to know why it's the best advice? Because I always preface it with "this is what I would do, not necessarily what is best for you to do". I also conclude it the same way "that is what I would do, but please do what you feel is best for you". Take it or leave it. I don't expect people to not give a fuck like I do, I don't expect people to always do the right thing or the thing that they think is the right thing or the thing they've been taught is the right thing. Fuck the right thing. There is no right thing - there's the thing that is best for you. People are herded into these categories of who and what and when and where and why and it's disgusting. Yet, those same people admire snowflakes for being so different. Well, guess what? Snowflakes are people. People are snowflakes. Nothing should ever be the same or consistent - what type of world would that be? People are so afraid of everything that it almost frightens me that I am not a human being. I'm afraid of everything but I'm afraid of absolutely nothing at the same time - the world is paralyzing and frozen with fear. The most evil of things rule this world with their fearing fists and condemning minds. The people in charge are the ones that are most afraid of everything and yet the people who have nothing to lose are the ones who are punished for living their life freely and beautifully and without regard for the next thing to happen. If you are constantly looking back at the things done wrong and constantly looking for the future greatness that you "expect" - what the FUCK are you doing in the now? You are doing nothing but perpetuating what they want you to do - be content and follow their guidelines.
Each year that I age, I see more and more of the bullshit that I began to take notice to when I was younger. My parents taught me about JFK when I was 8 years old. I watched the original Zapruder film of JFK getting shot with my Dad in 1991. He asked me, "which direction do you think this man was shot from?" And I answered "from the front". That film changed my life. I was lucky that my parents were always skeptics and that they told me not to believe everything. Not in a paranoid way but in a human instinct kind of way. Ever since then, I have always looked at the details, not the associated press. Who is anyone? Why do you trust anyone? What gives you the need to feel like you need to believe what you are told? 9/11 did it for me. 9/11 broke every spirit I had of naivety or innocence that I had left. Fuck, I even lost my virginity before 9/11 but that shit took all my innocence and threw it into a dumpster in an alley where a prostitute was getting fucked for her daily score of heroin. That's what the people in charge of this country do to you. They lie to you and they expect for you to sit there and listen and want to become like them. They are delusional psychopaths that think that their lies match up with the obvious truths they are too afraid to admit to. They want you to be in fear of everything. They want you to fear God and his wrath and their crazy stories. They want you to fear the terrorists, the wars, the bombings, the nuclear weapons but really - they are the ones that created it all. They are the terrorists and it goes further than what's going on in the world. The people who tell us what to do and think and be in this country are the terrorists who are terrorizing your life. And they don't give a fuck. As long as they get what they want. Which is your money, your faith, and your devotion.
I've lost track of my point today. It's hard to write at work when my mind is being taken up by responsibilities and duties. I knew my mind needed help coming together - I am addled and disjointed and so far from my brain that I'm not even sure how it still operates my whole body. I am in the outer limits. I am in the abyss. And luckily, that seems to be the place to be - because paying attention to the world and the state of it is severely detrimental to my health. Worst part? This is me sober. Or, you know, somewhat sober. There we go with labels again. I'm lucky I'm so good at composing myself in real life or else I don't think I'd be where I am today. This mind of mine, it goes too fast and thinks too much and most of the time sounds like a crazy train entering the mental health institution station. Oh, the familiarity of myself that I had forgotten. Even the harmony and happiness that I have found in my life do not overthrow my desire to learn more and question EVERYTHING. Especially authority. Who the fuck is authority? My Mother gave me LIFE and as far as I'm concerned, she's the only authority that I should ever have to listen to and sometimes I don't even listen to her.
MY LIFE. MY RULES. MY HEART. FUCK YOU.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Blogs are gay.
Oh gosh this feels weird. I used to write all of the time - it used to be the only thing I thought about or ever even had the energy to do. For as long as I can remember, it was the only way for me to gather my true thoughts, the ones that hide in the cobwebs, and take a lighter to them to burn. Words used to soothe me and make me sane and it hasn't been for a long time that I feel like I need to open up my mouth again and let them come out. For a period of a year - a long long time ago in another life time of mine - I said too many things - I lived too fast and I harmed myself greatly but I think I'm ready again, to open up and to stop feeling like words are an enemy of destruction brought to unease my jaded and clogged mind. I'm not sure how to even begin with this but I am going to try and get back that connection I had with myself that I have so severely lost. I've gone from a girl who made countless mistakes to a woman who finally feels her place in this world, regardless of the mistakes still made. I have been beaten down, I have been my own worst enemy, I have embraced love and pushed it away, I have seen the very inside of hell and I have grappled and pulled my way back up to the sun - yet my heart is still full of the most pure form of desire, motivation and understanding. I am ready to share my thoughts with the world because now they are the truth and not the emotion masked in deceit that I have become so accustomed to. There is no more Poe or Thompson or Wilde in my words, there is the simplest form of human existence and I have existed more times that I can count. I may have been those men, I may have walked in their shoes, I may have beaten with their hearts and coursed through their veins. I have so much beauty to teach this world that at times, I cannot bare how overwhelmed it feels to know that I could touch the hearts of many and leave them more fulfilled than they could have ever imagined. If only I were to try. And try is my demise for I spend so much time trying to provide for myself and my life that I often forget to provide for my soul.
My course has been to open my mind, indefinitely and show to others that there is no reason to back down to anyone or anything and to be only be yourself, in any and every state that you are, possibly can be and to every extent possible while loving every single second - whether it is torture or bliss.
I wish myself good luck in this journey for I know how easy it will be for me to ignore.
My course has been to open my mind, indefinitely and show to others that there is no reason to back down to anyone or anything and to be only be yourself, in any and every state that you are, possibly can be and to every extent possible while loving every single second - whether it is torture or bliss.
I wish myself good luck in this journey for I know how easy it will be for me to ignore.
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