There are certain times in my life where I have felt like this before. It is not a déjà vu, it is not a likely reoccurrence. It is something far too familiar, although never exactly the same.
It is a shedding of ones skin, a metamorphosis of unmeasurable growth. Painful growth. I don't know anything about snakes. I don't know how it feels for them when their skin slowly detaches from their scales, when they slide slowly out and away from the shell that once harbored their body. I'll never know how it feels for them, for I cannot ask. If I ever could, I wouldn't hesitate to.
I do know, however, how it feels for me. It is a mixture; satisfying and debliatating. Parts of me want to grab it and rip it from me, careless of what might by lost in the process. While the other parts of me wish to hold on, as long as possible to the skin that I came to feel so uncomfortably comfortable in. It doesn't make sense, yet it exists still - a desire that is hard to overcome. If I were a snake, it is almost as if I would want to pick up my shredded skin, fold it up and put it in a safe and sound place, where I could come back and visit it from time to time. To tell it that I didn't mean to shed it, that I just had to. That, that's just the way it is. The way it had to be. But that is not the way it works. Eventually, the skin degrades. It disappears into the soil. It vanishes from all tanigability. How could I ever find it again? Would I want to?
Again, this familiar feeling. The stretching, the pulling. Flashback to my nine year old self, sitting awake in bed; knees and ankles aching from the growth. The bones strengthening, hardening, moving. Teeth falling out only for new ones to break through. First hair cuts, first scars, first sprains. Everything so new. And here I am, forever later on - feeling the same. This time, nothing new. Only similar. Only comparative. I've been here thousands of times but never before. Closing my eyes wishing for relief and only finding more. Some would scream for it all to stop, to halt, to cease and yet, I welcome it - like a nightmare that bares gifts. Like a horror story with a happy end.
Separate thought:
My heart drops, it aches, it flows, it breaks. I sigh, I cry, I smile and repeat. It's as if you want the cycle to end, to come to a stable and solid conclusion - but, do you? Do I? The back and forth and up and down and side to side, who would I be without it? A straight line? A flat line? That's sounds miserable.
My friend recently told me "27 is a game changer". I'm not 27 just yet but I will be approaching it soon. Before I didn't believe her. I figured, oh, that's probably all relative - that's just your experience. But here I am, getting closer and feeling the changes. This game of mine, although tedious and treterous is in fact changing. Into what? I am not 100% sure but I am getting a pretty good idea.
Shed skin. Shed.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
The Ill, The Illest, The Illness
I feel physically sick today. I'm not sure what or why or how but my body does not like it and I can feel it whispering death wishes into my ears. I haven't been sick for over 3 years, I haven't called out or stayed home from work in over 4 years. It just doesn't happen. Money, my constant motivation - what would I do without you?
I'm not actually sick. I have no cold, no symptoms, no nothing. But my stomach twists and turns with pain - it feels like there are little bubbles playing dodgeball with my insides. Some sort of boxing match that I didn't facilitate. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, I didn't drink anything out of the ordinary, so who knows. It subsides for a few hours and then comes back to remind me that my stomach has never been a very happy place. Poor stomach. Poor me. And now my bottom left wisdom tooth is back at it again this week - growing in more and more, slowly and painfully. "Get it out", everyone says. "Fuck off", I say. I will not give up food for a week if I don't have to. I won't even do it for the Vicodin. So there's that.
I saw this quote on Twitter this week. Actually, I don't even know if it is a quote or something that this very beautiful Mexican stripper from Las Vegas actually came up with. Don't ask, she followed me from Tumblr. Regardless...
"You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice".
Talk about my life summed up by a stripper. There has never been any choice except strong. It doesn't matter what comes my way, weakness is never an option. Doubt, regret, remorse - yes of course but weakness, never. Weakness is a dark hole that many never crawl out of. If you let yourself sit there too long, you don't know up from down, left from right. It's a pitiful existence - one's life is too much of a miracle to sit in weakness, to drip of darkness and sorrow. Pull your fucking self together and figure your shit out - not for God's sake. Fuck him. For your own sake.
And in this moment, I am the strongest I have ever been - despite all of my downsides right now. Despite hemorrhaging confusion and doubt. Despite my cold insides, despite my anger, despite my sadness - my heart still beats and my brain still pushes to move forward with more strength than should be capable in my small body. I could lift a car off a human being, I could fight an army with no weapons, I could swim across an ocean but I cannot detangle my neurons, I cannot untwist my distortions, I cannot. Not right now.
Yet, you never know what I might be capable of - eventually, in time. Because all my life is, is a consistant growth - a benign tumor on this world that will fade away as quickly as I came to be about. Growing hurts and it pains and it wounds and it scars - it leaves marks and it leaves memories but there is no way to stop. There is no way to move anywhere but forward. Fools think they can change what has happened when in reality all one has any ability of changing is what is ahead and how you want to approach - with caution or with haste.
If you fight life, it fights you right back. It's all about rolling with the punches. Every time you get knocked down, keep going - don't try and knock life down.. you will never. Nor should you.
I'm not actually sick. I have no cold, no symptoms, no nothing. But my stomach twists and turns with pain - it feels like there are little bubbles playing dodgeball with my insides. Some sort of boxing match that I didn't facilitate. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, I didn't drink anything out of the ordinary, so who knows. It subsides for a few hours and then comes back to remind me that my stomach has never been a very happy place. Poor stomach. Poor me. And now my bottom left wisdom tooth is back at it again this week - growing in more and more, slowly and painfully. "Get it out", everyone says. "Fuck off", I say. I will not give up food for a week if I don't have to. I won't even do it for the Vicodin. So there's that.
I saw this quote on Twitter this week. Actually, I don't even know if it is a quote or something that this very beautiful Mexican stripper from Las Vegas actually came up with. Don't ask, she followed me from Tumblr. Regardless...
"You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice".
Talk about my life summed up by a stripper. There has never been any choice except strong. It doesn't matter what comes my way, weakness is never an option. Doubt, regret, remorse - yes of course but weakness, never. Weakness is a dark hole that many never crawl out of. If you let yourself sit there too long, you don't know up from down, left from right. It's a pitiful existence - one's life is too much of a miracle to sit in weakness, to drip of darkness and sorrow. Pull your fucking self together and figure your shit out - not for God's sake. Fuck him. For your own sake.
And in this moment, I am the strongest I have ever been - despite all of my downsides right now. Despite hemorrhaging confusion and doubt. Despite my cold insides, despite my anger, despite my sadness - my heart still beats and my brain still pushes to move forward with more strength than should be capable in my small body. I could lift a car off a human being, I could fight an army with no weapons, I could swim across an ocean but I cannot detangle my neurons, I cannot untwist my distortions, I cannot. Not right now.
Yet, you never know what I might be capable of - eventually, in time. Because all my life is, is a consistant growth - a benign tumor on this world that will fade away as quickly as I came to be about. Growing hurts and it pains and it wounds and it scars - it leaves marks and it leaves memories but there is no way to stop. There is no way to move anywhere but forward. Fools think they can change what has happened when in reality all one has any ability of changing is what is ahead and how you want to approach - with caution or with haste.
If you fight life, it fights you right back. It's all about rolling with the punches. Every time you get knocked down, keep going - don't try and knock life down.. you will never. Nor should you.
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