FUCK A BULLY

So, nowadays, all I see in the media is shit about kids killing themselves due to bullying.  I don't know if the world has gotten worse or if kids have just gotten more... for lack of a better word.. pussy-ish?

I know that the media and the fucked up way that society has turned out has a huge effect on children these days.  But I can't go one fucking day without hearing about some 15 year old plunging to their death because of people bullying them.  I honestly don't know where to point my finger at first but I definitely have a good list of ideas where the problems lies.

Firstly, it's the parenting at home.  Every child should be taught from a young age that they are absolutely wonderful they way they are.  Yeah, they might have a few things they need to work on - a few flaws here and there.  A few things they need to grow out of or work on.  No one is perfect and no child should be brought up thinking they are.  However, they should be instilled with the greatest amount of self esteem possible.

My Mom, no matter what I did, no matter how horrible I could be - she always cherished me for being an individual with my own mind set, my own ideals and my own goals.  She never pushed me to be anything I wasn't and she accepted me for who I am.  My Father, well, he doesn't fucking matter in this equation.   But if he taught me anything in the 10 years he stuck around - it was to be myself and to express myself the way I feel most comfortable and to FUCK what other people thought of me.  Wear what I want, be who I want, do what I want and fuck the rest.  Even my Mother, who does somewhat care what people think always told me to just be happy with myself.  As long as you can love who you are and understand that no one knows who you really are except yourself, you're going to be okay.

It makes me utterly sick to my stomach to know think that this type of parenting isn't going on these days.  Some parents push these awful expectations on their children, "be this" "do this" "become this" - how dare you?  You don't have children for them to become extensions of what you want them to be - you have children to let them grow and be who they end up being.  If you can't handle that notion, you should not have children you selfish piece of rotten shit.

Anyway, self esteem should primarily come from home.  If it doesn't come from home, you need to find it within yourself.  I have to admit here that ever since I can remember, I never have even given one shit of what people think of me.  When I was 10 years old, I was friends with the "popular" girls at my elementary school.  One day, during lunch, they were talking about the dumbest bullshit ever and I got the fuck up, picked up my food tray and I moved to the table where one of my best friends sat - I had known her since I was 4 years old and she is still to this day, one of the most beautiful and amazing women that I know.  Everyone in that popular group criticized me.  It's like, they couldn't fucking wrap their heads around the fact that I didn't give a shit about their shallowness and retarded discussions.  Even at 10 years old.  I've known a lot about life from a young age and I can only credit my Mother, who, always told me the truth about life.  Who never sheltered me from it's stormy weather.  She let me watch what I wanted, listen to what I wanted, go where I wanted and you know what - I never rebelled, I never became a bad child - I always respected her respect for me and my independence as a human being and I never took advantage of that.

Looking back, it was about 7th grade that I found hip hop.  These harsh words that had such power to me.  Even back then, when I first heard "It's So Hard" by Big Pun, I was in hip hop dance class and the words "all you haters, just walk on by" stuck with me.  I realized AGAIN then that I didn't give a shit what people thought of me.  If you didn't like me, then fuck you.  If you liked me or understood me on any level, then I liked you - no matter who you were, what group you hung out in, no matter who you were associated with.  If I had a connection with someone, that's all that mattered to me.  I don't connect to many - I mostly disassociate myself with humans as much as possible.  But when I do, I love them with all my heart.  It was hip hop that taught me to be thick-skinned, to be rough and tough but loving and passionate.  That's the problem with a lot of kids these days, they listen to this pussy sad bullshit that makes you want to slit your wrists.  Don't listen to sad shit.  No one wants to be sad.  Empower yourself, educate yourself and know your self worth.  No one's words are worth your life.

There was this one girl that made fun of me in middle school.  I'll call her out.  She's the ONLY person that ever made fun of me outside of just poking fun.  Her name is Rachelle.  And she was brunette and fat as fuck.  She used to make fun of me because I had blonde hair - in 7th grade.  Every single day, she would taunt me with her words about how blondes were stupid and that I was stupid.  Deep down, I knew she just hated herself.  One day, when she was making fun of me, I bluntly said to her "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM BITCH?" And I never cussed at this point yet.  I hadn't found myself or my inner voice yet.  I looked her deep into her awful eyes and I asked her again "what the fuck is your problem bitch?" And she had no answer for me.  After her moment of silence, I told her "Okay then, leave me the fuck alone.".  She never talked to me again.  All throughout high school, never said one word.

That was the last time I was ever bullied.  I get along with everyone if I need to.  But if you're going to fuck with me, I'm going to verbally attack the shit out of you.  These kids these days need to realize that nothing that anyone says matters.  People who have nothing nice to say are miserable pieces of shit.  Raise your head, keep your chin up and be yourself.  AND LISTEN TO HIP HOP.  Listen to music that empowers your soul and makes you believe in yourself and your power in this world.  Be positive and do not let those that feel so negatively about themselves ever bring you down.

I'll say it until the day that I die... find the things you love about yourself and put your middle fucking finger up to those who try and tear you down in ANY way.  If you don't like me, get the fuck out of my life.

...Or punch them in the fucking face and turn the bullying around.  Then stomp on their face and kick the shit out of their ribcage until they bleed to death.  Then look them in the eye and tell them make fun of you one more time.  ;)

ME FOR PRESIDENT

I am hating life right now with all this election stuff.  All politicians are such liars, I can't even handle it.  Pointing their finger at me as they talk.  I wish I could just cut their hands off and shove them in their dirty mouths.

Back to the topic at hand here. 

Not that I would EVER want to take on this piece of shit country (although I LOVE this piece of shit country) but I find it hilarious to come up with a list of things I would do if I became president.  Not that you care but here it is:

1.  Annex Florida.  If I could take a big ass chainsaw and just saw the shit out of the top of Florida, I would.  Then I would take my foot and kick it slowly into the gulf and watch it - and all of it's IDIOT residences, float off to...wherever the fuck they would end up.  Hopefully hell.  Or like, bump into Cuba and destroy both places.  That would be epic.  Fuck Florida.

2.  Make Medicinal marijuana legal.  Duh.  Well, all marijuana for that matter.  I'm a god damn adult, I should be able to do what I want.  Get out of the 1940s propaganda that some stupid motherfuckers seem to be stuck in.

3.  Hell, make all drugs legal.  Tax that shit.  Bye bye drug cartels and the violence going along with it. If you want to poison you yourself, kill yourself, numb yourself - by all means, go for it.  But if you get caught driving while under the influence - I'd make it legal for the cops to take your drivers license away. Don't need to kill anyone else while you're all doped up on whatever your choice drug is.  One strike.

4.  Make it illegal to discriminate anyone for any reason.  Gender, race, status, sexual preference, religious beliefs and especially, TATTOOS/PIERCINGS.  No one should be able to look at someone and make judgements that could be true or false. Fuck anyone who doesn't think that someone with tattoos can't be professional or that it changes any aspect of their brain, worth ethic or skills.  Seriously, there are plenty of CEO's who hide their shit under their Armani suits.  Let people be who the fuck they want to be.

5. Gay marriage? Fuck yes.

6. Abortions? Fuck yes.  As long as it is within the first trimester.  Planned Parenthood?  Fuck yes, I'd give money out of my own pocket to that organization.  How dare any man believe it is right to cut funding to such an amazing program for our youth.

7. Stem-cell research?  Fuck yes.  Save millions of lives.  Put religious beliefs aside.  If the baby is getting aborted, might as well let it help someone else live.  Where are your good hearts?  Bad shit happens, make some fucking lemonade out of it.

8.  War.  Fuck it.  I don't know enough.  We need weapons and we need military.  I'd hire someone to handle that shit.  If it were up to me, I'd bomb the shit out of everyone because I fucking hate humans. Which is clearly why I would need a consultant/therapist in this area.

9.  Close down the Federal Reserve.  FUCK THAT SHIT IN THE ASS.

10.  Change the legal driving age to 18.  16 year olds are fucking idiots and should not be able to drive. Especially this upcoming generation.  Go dick ride Lil Wayne over to your friends house you piece of stupid shit.

11.  An eye for an eye.  You murder someone in cold blood? You die the same way you killed them.  You rape someone? You fucking get raped by a raping machine that I will design.  You cut off someone's limbs and leave them for dead?  Guess what?  You get your shit cut off.  If you are a sick human being, you deserve no life, no breath, no love, nothing.  TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.  If you want to murder someone, fucking go for it -- but that means you die, motherfucker.  Fuck jails.  Don't get me started on jails.  You kill someone and get off with 15 years.  You get caught with drugs a few times and spend more time in jail? I don't fucking think so.

12. Fire all supreme court judges.  Old ass motherfuckers ain't running my justice system.

13. You're rich? GUESS WHAT?! You pay more taxes. I don't give a fuck who you are.

14.  Last but not least, find a way to bring JFK and RFK back to life, Franken-style.  Let them do what they should have been able to do centuries ago when this country fell apart for the last time and has never, ever, ever been restored.

I MIGHT BE IRRATIONAL BUT AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GUTS. I MIGHT NOT HAVE BALLS BUT I HAVE OVARIES AND THOSE ARE WAY MORE SCARY AND BADASS.

I'M OBVIOUSLY THE BEST FOR THE JOB.

APATHY

I've been feeling really unmotivated lately.  Unmotivated to do anything of any purpose.  I haven't read, I haven't communicated, I haven't written.  I find life and surroundings so exhausting, so draining and so detrimental.  I try and keep my eyes open to what's going on around me but when I get a good grasp of the matters of this world, all I want to do is close my eyes again.  I want to nod off and fall asleep to a place where I'm not in control but my dearly beloved subconscious can reign over the illusions I ride through until awakening.

I wouldn't even have a name of the place that I feel I am at.  Limbo would be too vague, too simple - maybe even a cop out.  I wish that I could exist in this world somewhere between what reality is and what I wish it could be.  I dare not call it expectations because expectations are frivolous and stupid.  In fact, I find expectations to be the work of insanity.  How dare you expect anything in this constantly chaotic world.  So foolish.  This place I am in, it is a precarious balance that I dance in - between never wanting to be informed of anything and constantly needing to be informed of what is going on/how I'm feeling/how others are feeling, etc.

I've stopped pondering things, I've stopped speculating.  Just for now.  And my nails are making it really hard to type lately, which makes it hard to surface my thoughts onto these blank pages.  But I refuse to get rid of them.

I'm mostly waiting for this god damn election to be over.  I can't even explain how much I hate politics, everything and everyone that has anything to do with it.  I've never heard so many lies in my life.  I wanted to slam Biden and Ryan's heads together tonight - just crush their skulls into a bloody pulp.

I'm disjointed because I never get to focus.  I'm constantly going going going - doing doing doing.  I wish I could get paid to write instead of get paid to write emails to people trying to sell their business, trying to buy a business, asking stupid questions, being fucking stupid.  I wish that I could sit at home all day with my pills and my alcohol and my weed and just create the thoughts that run through my mind into artistic displays of insanity and perfection.  Blogging is lame.

A Confession of Nothing Secret - Just Truth

It has taken me days to feel the ability to publish this.  It's not for anyone but me.  But it was scary to go back and face.  I'm not this person that I write about but I'm lucky that at one time, I was. Despite the actions and details - - -

I'm just remembering as I watch this Breaking Bad... about my youth.  My stupid but fucking fucked up fun youth.  Let's say adolescence.

I did my first line of coke off the drop down glove box of my 1989 Blazer in 11th grade.  I didn't think it was that great.  I remember I was wearing red lipstick and fake eyelashes.  Eventually, I did many/many/many lines of it and I still hated it.  Mostly always in a car - in a secluded corner with tinted windows.  Shit makes me sleepy and I hate it.  Haven't touched it since 2008.  Stuffy nose, boring shit.

I did my first line of speed off of my pink skull n'cross bones metal cigarette holder that I used as a wallet, quite conveniently [for this random/unexpected occasion] in the newly developed girls bathroom at Costa.  That one add on, that was next to the football field where the trailers used to be.  Also 11th grade.  Ironically, I was with one of my friends from preschool.  We had reacquainted ourselves during our office helper period.  I don't even know what that shit was called.  But I got to run notes to get people out of class, or tell them that they were in trouble at the office.  But I mostly fucked around and doodled in this black notebook that everyone always wanted to look at - but I never let them.  Well, some people got to see it.

During lunch, I tried to not want to talk to everyone and anyone about whatever the fuck I could think of.  I kept saying "shut the fuck up" to myself but I couldn't.  I talked and talked and talked.  Which was the most retarded thing I could have done, but I didn't know that yet.  That line lasted 2 days.  I wrote my best Government paper on that shit.  Marx gave me an A+.  That man was the best thing ever at Costa.  I ran into him years later when I worked at Sloopy's.  He didn't remember me until I told him that I was the one that wrote him the letter about how he was the only teacher I really ever learned anything from and that I hoped parents stopped giving him shit for being hard on students - for actually making them think.

Sidtracked.  Speed.  I loved it so much, I stayed away from it for 3 years.

Then, we reunited -- unintentionally.

I tell myself that I wouldn't have done it if I was around my Mom at the time.  I know that part is true.  She was 1,000 miles away and I was 20 years old.  The stress of living on my own and paying all my own bills caught up with me.  Promotions at work, 5am wake up times, 11 hour days.  I started making excuses for using.  It started all so innocently.

And then the dark shadow happened.  A drug dealer moved in.  From there, it was beyond my control. Then it was in my control but I didn't care.  I wanted it.  And as much as I hated all of it - especially myself - I also never wanted it to end.  But deep down, even from the beginning, I knew it had to end.  I would never have let myself hit the bottom.  I always have known I was worth more than that.  I would stop eventually, I always told myself that.  I know I would.  And fucking right I was.  Just not yet.  Just not then.  That's when my method changed.  I won't go into it.

During this time, I decided I wanted a dog.  I had to have a dog. I knew that I needed something to make me look outside of my morbidly dark and retarded existence and make me want to live again.  Not live as in I ever wanted to really die but live as in have something other than myself to live for.  Everyone told me I shouldn't get a dog.  Everyone told me my druggy ass wouldn't be able to take care of anything - I wasn't even taking care of myself.

But I searched high and low for the dog that ended up being mine.  I searched online, I searched the PennySaver, I searched at pound after pound after pound.  I almost got a baby pitbull, the sweetest little girl but she was going to end up too big.  I wanted something small but not too small.  I knew it's name would be Taco.  Boy or girl, it didn't matter.  I didn't fucking care.  I just wanted it.  I knew it would save me.

One day, I almost gave up.  I said I had to check one more pound, the furthest one.  North Los Angeles.  405 to the 10 to the 110 to the 101.  It took forever to get there, I was so anxious - so many cigarettes.  I just kept hearing this voice in my head.  It may have been from no sleep, it may have been real.  Either way, it was happening and I listened to it.

I arrived at the North LA pound.  I had no idea where I was.  Walked through the door, searched the whole outside lot of dogs.  Nothing. Nothing.  Nothing.  Not the one.  I started my sad and depressing walk through the hallway to the exit.....

And in a small glass box, in a secluded room off of a big long white hallway, I saw this little brown dog with a black nose.  It was laying in the corner of the box with this ugly poodle jumping all around it.  It looked miserable and I asked if I could hold it.  It, ended up being a little girl.  A Welsh-Corgi mix.  "Mixed with what?" They weren't sure.  My little baby girl. I held her for 10 seconds and she put her paw on my shoulder and looked me in the face.  She didn't look miserable anymore.  And I stopped being miserable at that same moment.

"I'll take her".
"That will be $72 dollars.  You can pick her up tomorrow after we've sent her to the vet to be fixed"

It was the best $72 dollars I've ever spent.  And it was the longest 24 hours that I've ever experienced.  Picking her up from the vet that next day was like picking up my soul from the floor.  It was like refilling my heart with the blood and desire to put myself back together.

I've never been happier than that ride home.  With her sitting in my lap.

Unfortunately, I was unable to quit right away.  My relationship with those nice icey crystals lasted almost a year (yet only 4 months after getting Taco).  Until Thanksgiving.  My boyfriends (EX now) parents had cooked an amazing dinner and I had spent the entire day using.  I wanted to eat their food so bad but no cell in my body would allow it.  I realized that I needed it to end.  I didn't want it to but I knew it had to - our run was over.

I told Taco that night that she would never have to stay up late with me, watching me write endless poems and stories with all the lights on and no intention of sleep.  I told Taco we would only cuddle and watch movies and Mom would only smoke weed and take her for long walks.  Drives to the beach.  Trips to the dog park and toys galore.

That's when I all ended.  Cold turkey.  JUST FOR HER.

So when people tell me that I'm obsessed with my dog.  That my dog seems to be the only important thing to me.  They are right.  She entered my life at a time that I needed something to remove myself from myself.  She saved me from myself.  She allowed me to become a responsible human.  She did it all without talking or words or scolding.  She rescued me more than I ever rescued her.

Everything I do is for her.  Even from far away.  And I don't even care that she is temporary.  Because, just like everything else - she will only last for as long as she does.  But that doesn't mean she can't be my reason to live.

Among many others.  But Taco, she is the one that saved me.  I owe her my life.  And I'm no longer ashamed of the entire journey that led me to her.  A completely unseen, unimaginable, uncharacteristic journey that had I had not - I would not have my heart.

I wouldn't change a thing.