Hemingway

I'm sitting here in the bathroom, darkness all around me.
I saw a silverfish earlier, before I sat down here, before I made my nest.
Hello Kitty blanket, MacBook, bong.
I almost killed it, it's little alien-like body, but I didn't.
I watched it scurry into it's safe little corner, behind my shampoo bottle.
I didn't have the heart to harm it.  They creep me out but I've never killed one.
I only watch them run frantically to their home, inside the pipes, inside the drains.
What a dark life they must lead.  Maybe they like it, maybe they are just like me.

When I drink and write, I think of two people.
Bukowski, my man, my love, the most real person to walk this planet.
No lies, no shame, no regrets, just truth and passion and grime.
Hemingway, my ship, my voyage, the most honest man to live and breathe life into words.
No lies, no shame, no regrets, just truth and passion and grime.
These are the men that I have looked up to, that I have molded my small, female existence after.

There is nothing that I love more in this life than human emotion.
As humans, we are the most silly but amazing creation and our emotions purely reflect this notion.
Look at the myriad of emotions we experience, even in one moment, one minute, one day, one week.
Look at the choices we make and the feelings we feel and act on, speak on, walk on, think on.
We can be the stupidest, the smartest, the most creative, the most talented, the possibilities are endless.
We are endless.  Not our existence but our words, our thoughts, our inventions.
To think, we are just made up of particles, of atoms - and yet we breathe this air, our blood circulates.
We are a nervous system, a veiny mess of arteries and muscle and marrow.
We are so complicated, which is the most beautiful part.  No each is the same.
No each should wish to be the same.  Snowflakes, each and every one.

We cry, we laugh, we hate, we love, we punch, we hug, we kill, we maim.
We choke, we cough, we sneeze, we lie, we tell the most incredible stories.
The most amazing thing is reality, our experiences.
The most amazing thing is fantasy, our dreams, our projections.
The most amazing thing is truth, no matter how harsh or soft.
The most amazing thing is to just be.
To learn.
To love.
To write.

My only passion. Bringing the everything and nothing, to life.

"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way.  An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."

THANKFULLY THANKFUL [ENDLESSLY]

It's very hard to be away from my Mom and dog on Thanksgiving, considering they are 2 of the most wonderful and beautiful things in my entire life and therefore, I am most thankful for them.  There are no words to fully be able to explain the love I have for my Mother.  Although we had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, she has become not only the best Mother (and basically Father) than anyone could ever ask for but she is my best friend, my therapist, my inspiration, my idol, my hero, my rock and so much more.  I would have floated away long ago if it weren't for her constant love, admiration and advice.  She is the most precious thing to me and I would be absolutely nothing without her.  She fought for me, she made me happen and I am so thankful that she exists and was able to bring me into this world.  Without being brought into this world, I would not be able to have experienced all the amazing things that I have in my life so far.  Even if I said "thank you" to her everyday (which I do, for various reasons), I will never be able to say it as much as I mean it.  There are also so many things that I am thankful for and I don't need one day to think about them and honor them - I count my lucky stars every moment that I am alive and I will continue to do so until there is no life left in me.

Here are the things that I am so very thankful for that it brings tears to my eyes:

- Joanne Price
- Taco Love
- My lovely, beautiful and kind best friends (you know who you are)
- My boyfriend, who somehow puts up with me through all my bullshit
- My Sister and the ridiculously smart, gorgeous, creative and talented nieces that she has gifted me with. They are the absolute lights of my life.
- My Grandpa and Grandma that I, unfortunately, do not get to see anymore but are always in my heart.
- My Dad, who I can't thank for much except his role in giving me life.  And for teaching me to not give a fuck. It's better than he left or else I wouldn't who I am now.
- All of the music that makes my heart drop and my skin bump. [SHOUT OUT TO HIP HOP]
- All of the writers that have touched my soul and over the years, molded me into an intelligent and sensitive human being (perhaps a bit cynical as well.)
- All of the good health and fortune that I have found over the years.
- My boss and my 2 coworkers who not only make work worth going to but make it one of my favorite places to be.  I've learned so much from them all and I hope to continue to.
- All 4 of the kitties that I've ever had, even though only 1 remains.

Now for some of the less sentimental but wonderfully delightful things that I am thankful for in this life:

- Marijuana
- Hello Kitty
- the Los Angeles Lakers
- the entire city of Los Angeles
- the entire state of Oregon
- Bud Light
- Whiskey
- FOOD [especially Mexican, burgers and sushi]
- tattoos and the wonderful artists I have met over the years
- my iPhone/iPad
- the beach, the oceans, the mountains, the rivers, lakes, trees, flowers and every natural piece of this earth that we are lucky to witness, let alone enjoy
- cute animal pictures/videos
- stuffed animals of all shapes and sizes
- shopping/clothing/shoes/UGG BOOTS (fuck you)
- Chanel
- Rob Zombie movies
- TV SHOWS!!!!!!!
- Jax from Sons of Anarchy

Who am I kidding? I could go on and on forever about the shit I love.  Just like I can about the shit I hate ;)

BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY MINUTE. GOOD AND BAD. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER TO TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE, HOW MUCH YOU DO, EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. YOU NEVER, EVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO AGAIN.  AND THAT THOUGHT ALONE, BREAKS HEARTS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Fish Dicks

I had fish sticks for dinner tonight, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of me but I can't say that I'm mad at it.  I just can't ever think about fish sticks anymore without thinking about fish dicks.  Then I think about Gay Fish, which inevitably makes me think of Kanye West - who I never like to waste single moment thinking about.  Unless it's how much I hate him but even then, still a waste of time.

I don't know where I'm going with this.  I just wanted to write.  I find that time is going by so fast that I think I wrote just a day or two before when it ends up being more than week, or even two, three, four.  Who's counting? Obviously, I'm not.

I'm about to start reading this book that I bought online for one penny.  Yes, a penny.  The $2 shipping was actually more than the book itself, which apparently came from a Dallas library prior to 1992.  It's a book about the life of J. Edgar Hoover.  One of the many men in our US history that I dislike the most.  He was also a Gay Fish - who liked to dress in women's clothing but that's neither here nor there.  For as much as I dislike the man, I'm very excited to read about his life and find out how he came to be such a rotten little man. We'll see how it goes.

I wrote those 3 paragraphs last night.  Today, so far, I find to be incredibly annoying.  I'm going to make a list.

1. PMS is severe today and heavily affecting my attitude towards everything. I also have a headache.  Thanks for nothing ovaries.
2. I'm annoyed that there isn't one day that goes by at work where someone doesn't ask me about the Lakers. About the game the other night.  About the new coach.  About the old coach.  About almost getting Phil back.  About Kobe retiring.  About the new players.  About the old players.  I can't fucking stand it.  I know it's small talk and I know sometimes I enjoy the discussion but for the most part; no, I don't want to fucking talk about the Lakers every day.  Especially not about the same shit over and over.
3. With that being said, STILL pissed the Lakers lost to the Spurs on Tuesday.  STILL, pissed.
4.  It's almost gloomy enough outside to rain but it's not raining.  And I find that highly irritating.  Can't a girl get some rain around here?  Doesn't seem like it should be so hard to ask for.  You know, especially in November and all.  Fuck you solar cycle.
5. This one has been building for awhile but I'm really sick of people on Twitter thinking that I care about their opinion.  Twitter is a social network for people to say 140 character statements of their own opinion.  Just because you put it out there, does not mean that you care for a response.  What's worse is when someone's response is constantly a battle against your own.  [Regardless of the other 10 people who favorite it].  If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read my tweets.  Because it gets pretty annoying to always have to read about how my opinion is wrong.  Where I come from, opinions are not right or wrong.  Also where I come from, if you don't like something, fucking too bad.
6. The fact that it's not Friday yet.  I can't think of the last time a week went by this slow since, well, last week. I need it to be the weekend.

Anyway, to turn the tables and possibly my attitude towards this shit-tastic day so far - here are a few things I'm genuinely excited about!!!!!!

1. In exactly 1 month, I will have 3 weeks off of work - PAID.
2. In exactly 33 days, I get to see my doggy and finally feel like a real person again.  I'm also very excited for this next trip to Portland.  Not only because it's going to be Christmas time, not only because I'll be there for a few more days than normal but because my Mom and I are going to drive up to Port Townsend and finally scatter my grandparents ashes into the harbor.  My grandpa spent a lot of time up there during WWII and it was his favorite city in the US. I can't wait to see it.  After Port Townsend we are going to spend the night and next day in Seattle.  I haven't been since I was 19 so I'm pretty excited for that as well.  Space Needle, here I come.
3.  Found out yesterday, my boss is giving us a Thanksgiving bonus which will be on my paycheck that directly deposits into my bank account tonight.
4.  Speaking also of Thanksgiving, next week we have a half day on Wednesday and have Thursday and Friday off - PAID.  Makes your boss look like shit, huh?
5.  I'm probably going to have El Pollo Loco for dinner with the boyfriend.  Couldn't ask for much more than that.  And he mentioned taking me to Gyu-Kaku this weekend. Please please please *crosses fingers

See now, I might be a negative person but I sure do know how to come up with some positive shit sometimes.....

SOMETIMES.

Lately/Always

I've felt silent.
Muted.
Unmotivated.
Not nearly sedated enough to tap into the subconscious,
that screams at me all day.
I drown it out at work.
I have to focus.
There are so many things to say, to be written.
I find no comfort in speaking,
only writing. Only formulating.
There are times I wish I could fully disconnect,
from this life that causes me to be distracted.
To hustle and bustle around constantly,
instead of being able to stay in one place and ponder.
And wonder.
And alleviate my heavy mind.  To unload it all.
It's this perpetual cycle of eat, sleep, work, repeat.
It's this vicious cycle of keeping one from ones self,
and the thoughts and notions that come along with it.
I want to create by destroying what life truly exists of.
I want to recreate the things life was supposed to be made up of.
People have lost sense of what truly matters.
Of self awareness, of self progress.
At times, I lose sight of this too.
The bills take over, the payments take over, the cycle cycle cycle.
It is hard to be free,
just because there are no bars and no chains doesn't mean this isn't prison.

Sincere Thoughts from the 1st of November

Well shit, October went by really slow for me.  Which is so untypical compared to how fast the rest of this year has completely blown by.  It seems like it's always the 1st of the month.  Time for rent, bills, etc etc blah blah - but not this time.  I feel like my birthday was months ago, I feel like I've been 26 all my life.  I feel like I haven't seen my dog in decades and that this last week with hurricane Sandy has made time stop.  In some ways, it has made everything stop.  Slow motion.  Even before it was really Halloween, I felt like it had all already happened.

I can't stop looking at the pictures.  Every hour or so I refresh my news website to see which ones have been added.  Every time, I have to stop the tears from flowing down my face.  I know that it has not been as devastating as Katrina was, I know that was much worse - many more lives were lost, very impoverished people were left with absolutely nothing.  Yet, Sandy single-handedly shut down one of the most powerful and beautiful cities in the entire world, New York City.  A city that has always and will always lay very deeply in my heart.  There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you arrive in that city.  There is this feeling of absolute empowerment and perfection -- and the pictures of the damage make my soul cringe in pain.

Maybe if it weren't for 9/11, I wouldn't feel so strongly about this.  Every part of me knows that everyone and everything in New York will bounce back, they always do - which is why the people of NY are so rough and tough and not to be fucked with.  Which goes to say for most of the human race - we always bounce back.  We always drag ourselves off the floor and rise up, almost better than ever.  But in the meantime, my heart will continue to ache.  Not just for them, not just for New York but for the entire Eastern Coast.

So many homes.  So many lives and animals lost.  So many memories torn apart by the most dynamic and powerful of elements on this planet - water and wind.  Even fire made it's appearance, it couldn't be shown up by its friends of destruction yet beauty.  Just another reminder of how small we all are, how unimportant in the big scheme of things.  We are simply organisms on this wondrous ball of elements that navigates around the sun - and nature rules all.  Just another reminder that at any time, we could all be gone.  Stardust.

Just another reminder to appreciate everything, every moment, every person in your life.  Never go to sleep mad, never hold grudges, never not say what you want to say, never hold back.  Not that you would be able to regret things once you do not exist but who knows how the heart feels in those last minutes of life, except those that have passed through.

As much as I speak about hating humans, it is in these times of suffering that strength and love truly comes to the surface.  It's unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to have people treat each other the way they always should.  With empathy, understanding and the genuine desire to help and support.  To stop thinking about themselves and run into a flooding house and save the family inside -- even if you don't get out alive.

My dear planet Earth, I cannot believe your power.