I'm On Fire

"Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you,
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I'm on fire"

For the record and shit, I'm not a HUGE B. Springsteen fan or anything (I do like him a lot) but this song is one of the most amazing songs ever created.  At least to me.  Anyway - I think about this song all the time.  Every time I think of my Dad, this song pops in my head.  My Dad did leave me alone.  Not all alone at all, my Mom was the most precious thing to me - she raised me into the person I am.  But yeah, Dad left.  I truly think for the better, I can't imagine had he stuck around.  He was so sad and unhappy when he left - people don't think I remember, but I remember.  I was 10 years old.  I might have been naive -  I might have been unexperienced at love but I could tell when my parents were happy and when they weren't.  I never would have wanted him to stay and be unhappy.  Marriage doesn't work sometimes.  It wasn't anyone's fault.  I know I never blamed myself, or either my Mom or Dad for that matter.  Although, I think he created his own unhappiness - he always does.  I have a much better grasp on that now than I did then.  He is someone who runs from his problems, rather than solving them.  He is someone who ran out on two marriages, two daughters.  He is a coward but who I am I judge someone.  I am not inside his head, I do not feel his fears.  But I can say that I am more of a man than he ever was.  He is a fool.  The smartest, most charismatic fool I've ever known.  Yet, I adore him.  To the most capacity that I can for someone who cognitively distanced themselves from me for over a decade.  

Sometimes, my anger shows through.  I am angry at him for some things.  I'm not angry at all that he left me.  However, it makes me angry that he somehow, fell out of love with my Mom.  I can't imagine that.  I can't imagine who could have been better.  She was and is everything anyone could want.  How could he hurt her?  How could he never want to be with her again?  How on earth could someone (and I know the person, you don't) be better than this woman?  The answer is no one.  All things aside, my Mom, as a person is the most loving, supportive, understanding, intelligent, beautiful thing that I have gotten to know.  I think he fucked up, big time.  But what the fuck does my opinion matter? 

I don't have much else to say on the matter.  I love him, despite everything.  He's a part of me, even though months go by that we speak and years go by that I see him.  2007 was the last time.  And it might be the last time completely. And I'm fine with that.  He's been gone so long that it's actually weird to be around him.  He likes to pretend that he knows who I am but he doesn't.  He says he's proud of me but it means nothing.  He says he loves me more than the sky loves blue but it doesn't go anywhere.  Love is something you show not something you say.  But that's okay, I want him to say whatever makes him feel better about himself, whatever helps him sleep at night.  

It's funny... how you can get older and understand your parents mistakes better than they can.  I'll never leave my children.  I'll never miss out on a moment of their lives, if I can.  The only thing that could take me away from them will be death.  

Although, I feel like he's been dead for years.  I feel like he thinks he's been dead for years. Perhaps that's the problem.  

P.S. Thanks for the mental health problems Dad.  I really appreciate it.  Genetics are fucked.