ME FOR PRESIDENT

I am hating life right now with all this election stuff.  All politicians are such liars, I can't even handle it.  Pointing their finger at me as they talk.  I wish I could just cut their hands off and shove them in their dirty mouths.

Back to the topic at hand here. 

Not that I would EVER want to take on this piece of shit country (although I LOVE this piece of shit country) but I find it hilarious to come up with a list of things I would do if I became president.  Not that you care but here it is:

1.  Annex Florida.  If I could take a big ass chainsaw and just saw the shit out of the top of Florida, I would.  Then I would take my foot and kick it slowly into the gulf and watch it - and all of it's IDIOT residences, float off to...wherever the fuck they would end up.  Hopefully hell.  Or like, bump into Cuba and destroy both places.  That would be epic.  Fuck Florida.

2.  Make Medicinal marijuana legal.  Duh.  Well, all marijuana for that matter.  I'm a god damn adult, I should be able to do what I want.  Get out of the 1940s propaganda that some stupid motherfuckers seem to be stuck in.

3.  Hell, make all drugs legal.  Tax that shit.  Bye bye drug cartels and the violence going along with it. If you want to poison you yourself, kill yourself, numb yourself - by all means, go for it.  But if you get caught driving while under the influence - I'd make it legal for the cops to take your drivers license away. Don't need to kill anyone else while you're all doped up on whatever your choice drug is.  One strike.

4.  Make it illegal to discriminate anyone for any reason.  Gender, race, status, sexual preference, religious beliefs and especially, TATTOOS/PIERCINGS.  No one should be able to look at someone and make judgements that could be true or false. Fuck anyone who doesn't think that someone with tattoos can't be professional or that it changes any aspect of their brain, worth ethic or skills.  Seriously, there are plenty of CEO's who hide their shit under their Armani suits.  Let people be who the fuck they want to be.

5. Gay marriage? Fuck yes.

6. Abortions? Fuck yes.  As long as it is within the first trimester.  Planned Parenthood?  Fuck yes, I'd give money out of my own pocket to that organization.  How dare any man believe it is right to cut funding to such an amazing program for our youth.

7. Stem-cell research?  Fuck yes.  Save millions of lives.  Put religious beliefs aside.  If the baby is getting aborted, might as well let it help someone else live.  Where are your good hearts?  Bad shit happens, make some fucking lemonade out of it.

8.  War.  Fuck it.  I don't know enough.  We need weapons and we need military.  I'd hire someone to handle that shit.  If it were up to me, I'd bomb the shit out of everyone because I fucking hate humans. Which is clearly why I would need a consultant/therapist in this area.

9.  Close down the Federal Reserve.  FUCK THAT SHIT IN THE ASS.

10.  Change the legal driving age to 18.  16 year olds are fucking idiots and should not be able to drive. Especially this upcoming generation.  Go dick ride Lil Wayne over to your friends house you piece of stupid shit.

11.  An eye for an eye.  You murder someone in cold blood? You die the same way you killed them.  You rape someone? You fucking get raped by a raping machine that I will design.  You cut off someone's limbs and leave them for dead?  Guess what?  You get your shit cut off.  If you are a sick human being, you deserve no life, no breath, no love, nothing.  TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.  If you want to murder someone, fucking go for it -- but that means you die, motherfucker.  Fuck jails.  Don't get me started on jails.  You kill someone and get off with 15 years.  You get caught with drugs a few times and spend more time in jail? I don't fucking think so.

12. Fire all supreme court judges.  Old ass motherfuckers ain't running my justice system.

13. You're rich? GUESS WHAT?! You pay more taxes. I don't give a fuck who you are.

14.  Last but not least, find a way to bring JFK and RFK back to life, Franken-style.  Let them do what they should have been able to do centuries ago when this country fell apart for the last time and has never, ever, ever been restored.

I MIGHT BE IRRATIONAL BUT AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GUTS. I MIGHT NOT HAVE BALLS BUT I HAVE OVARIES AND THOSE ARE WAY MORE SCARY AND BADASS.

I'M OBVIOUSLY THE BEST FOR THE JOB.