I feel physically sick today. I'm not sure what or why or how but my body does not like it and I can feel it whispering death wishes into my ears. I haven't been sick for over 3 years, I haven't called out or stayed home from work in over 4 years. It just doesn't happen. Money, my constant motivation - what would I do without you?
I'm not actually sick. I have no cold, no symptoms, no nothing. But my stomach twists and turns with pain - it feels like there are little bubbles playing dodgeball with my insides. Some sort of boxing match that I didn't facilitate. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, I didn't drink anything out of the ordinary, so who knows. It subsides for a few hours and then comes back to remind me that my stomach has never been a very happy place. Poor stomach. Poor me. And now my bottom left wisdom tooth is back at it again this week - growing in more and more, slowly and painfully. "Get it out", everyone says. "Fuck off", I say. I will not give up food for a week if I don't have to. I won't even do it for the Vicodin. So there's that.
I saw this quote on Twitter this week. Actually, I don't even know if it is a quote or something that this very beautiful Mexican stripper from Las Vegas actually came up with. Don't ask, she followed me from Tumblr. Regardless...
"You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice".
Talk about my life summed up by a stripper. There has never been any choice except strong. It doesn't matter what comes my way, weakness is never an option. Doubt, regret, remorse - yes of course but weakness, never. Weakness is a dark hole that many never crawl out of. If you let yourself sit there too long, you don't know up from down, left from right. It's a pitiful existence - one's life is too much of a miracle to sit in weakness, to drip of darkness and sorrow. Pull your fucking self together and figure your shit out - not for God's sake. Fuck him. For your own sake.
And in this moment, I am the strongest I have ever been - despite all of my downsides right now. Despite hemorrhaging confusion and doubt. Despite my cold insides, despite my anger, despite my sadness - my heart still beats and my brain still pushes to move forward with more strength than should be capable in my small body. I could lift a car off a human being, I could fight an army with no weapons, I could swim across an ocean but I cannot detangle my neurons, I cannot untwist my distortions, I cannot. Not right now.
Yet, you never know what I might be capable of - eventually, in time. Because all my life is, is a consistant growth - a benign tumor on this world that will fade away as quickly as I came to be about. Growing hurts and it pains and it wounds and it scars - it leaves marks and it leaves memories but there is no way to stop. There is no way to move anywhere but forward. Fools think they can change what has happened when in reality all one has any ability of changing is what is ahead and how you want to approach - with caution or with haste.
If you fight life, it fights you right back. It's all about rolling with the punches. Every time you get knocked down, keep going - don't try and knock life down.. you will never. Nor should you.
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