This time I'm sober writing this - not that there's ever that much of a difference between the two. I'm not completely ever sober since technically the medications I am on "alter" my existence to some degree. But I say screw the people who think that substances are bad. Everything is bad for you. Life is bad for you if you let it be. I'm so sick of people telling me what's bad. Soda is bad. Carbs are bad. Not enough sleep is bad. Microwave radiation is bad. Well fuck man, like I said, everything is bad. I could live my whole life not doing anything to this temple body of mine and then one day I'm walking across the street and BAM, hit by a car. Dead. Died. Shit. That would be bad too.
I'm sick of people's definitions of things. You aren't me, you don't know whether or not my body wants a 22oz Diet Coke in the morning. Fuck your coffee - you hypocrite. Everyone thinks that what they think is best - that's the funny part. Throughout my whole life, I've given the best advice and you want to know why it's the best advice? Because I always preface it with "this is what I would do, not necessarily what is best for you to do". I also conclude it the same way "that is what I would do, but please do what you feel is best for you". Take it or leave it. I don't expect people to not give a fuck like I do, I don't expect people to always do the right thing or the thing that they think is the right thing or the thing they've been taught is the right thing. Fuck the right thing. There is no right thing - there's the thing that is best for you. People are herded into these categories of who and what and when and where and why and it's disgusting. Yet, those same people admire snowflakes for being so different. Well, guess what? Snowflakes are people. People are snowflakes. Nothing should ever be the same or consistent - what type of world would that be? People are so afraid of everything that it almost frightens me that I am not a human being. I'm afraid of everything but I'm afraid of absolutely nothing at the same time - the world is paralyzing and frozen with fear. The most evil of things rule this world with their fearing fists and condemning minds. The people in charge are the ones that are most afraid of everything and yet the people who have nothing to lose are the ones who are punished for living their life freely and beautifully and without regard for the next thing to happen. If you are constantly looking back at the things done wrong and constantly looking for the future greatness that you "expect" - what the FUCK are you doing in the now? You are doing nothing but perpetuating what they want you to do - be content and follow their guidelines.
Each year that I age, I see more and more of the bullshit that I began to take notice to when I was younger. My parents taught me about JFK when I was 8 years old. I watched the original Zapruder film of JFK getting shot with my Dad in 1991. He asked me, "which direction do you think this man was shot from?" And I answered "from the front". That film changed my life. I was lucky that my parents were always skeptics and that they told me not to believe everything. Not in a paranoid way but in a human instinct kind of way. Ever since then, I have always looked at the details, not the associated press. Who is anyone? Why do you trust anyone? What gives you the need to feel like you need to believe what you are told? 9/11 did it for me. 9/11 broke every spirit I had of naivety or innocence that I had left. Fuck, I even lost my virginity before 9/11 but that shit took all my innocence and threw it into a dumpster in an alley where a prostitute was getting fucked for her daily score of heroin. That's what the people in charge of this country do to you. They lie to you and they expect for you to sit there and listen and want to become like them. They are delusional psychopaths that think that their lies match up with the obvious truths they are too afraid to admit to. They want you to be in fear of everything. They want you to fear God and his wrath and their crazy stories. They want you to fear the terrorists, the wars, the bombings, the nuclear weapons but really - they are the ones that created it all. They are the terrorists and it goes further than what's going on in the world. The people who tell us what to do and think and be in this country are the terrorists who are terrorizing your life. And they don't give a fuck. As long as they get what they want. Which is your money, your faith, and your devotion.
I've lost track of my point today. It's hard to write at work when my mind is being taken up by responsibilities and duties. I knew my mind needed help coming together - I am addled and disjointed and so far from my brain that I'm not even sure how it still operates my whole body. I am in the outer limits. I am in the abyss. And luckily, that seems to be the place to be - because paying attention to the world and the state of it is severely detrimental to my health. Worst part? This is me sober. Or, you know, somewhat sober. There we go with labels again. I'm lucky I'm so good at composing myself in real life or else I don't think I'd be where I am today. This mind of mine, it goes too fast and thinks too much and most of the time sounds like a crazy train entering the mental health institution station. Oh, the familiarity of myself that I had forgotten. Even the harmony and happiness that I have found in my life do not overthrow my desire to learn more and question EVERYTHING. Especially authority. Who the fuck is authority? My Mother gave me LIFE and as far as I'm concerned, she's the only authority that I should ever have to listen to and sometimes I don't even listen to her.
MY LIFE. MY RULES. MY HEART. FUCK YOU.
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