HEALTHY & SANE/INSANELY UNHEALTHY?

After the success of my 2010 New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking cigarettes after like, I dunno 7 years of not even really enjoying them - my new year’s resolution for 2012 was to start exercising.  Like, in any way humanly possible for my lazy, unmotivated ass.  I figured as a 25 year old woman, I should start to try and do something to keep myself in shape, or some sort of shape – regardless of the other choices in life that I make.  It’s not about being skinny, I don’t seem to have a problem with that part – but it was to get my ass off the couch and do something that works for me to be active and involved in… well, life.  Anyway, my main point is how hilarious my list of “healthy” daily activities is – so I thought I would share what keeps me sane.  Or mentally insane.  Not sure which is correct.

•        Drink way less soda than normal.  I think I’ve gone from like 4-5 Diet Cokes a day down to about 1 or 2.  DON’T JUDGE ME.
• -          Drink way more water instead.  Which should be obvious but isn’t as easy as it sounds. 
• -          Take 2 Xanax a day (as per Dr. Schreiber’s orders)
• -          Smoke weed everyday (as per Dr. Dre’s orders)
• -          Take 4, 3.5 mile walks each week.  No skipping days but switching off days is allowed. 
• -          Eat a full breakfast, snack at lunch and small (sometimes shitty/unhealthy but low calorie) dinner.  Being poor helps a lot with this one.
• -          Buy and consume V8 Fruit & Veggie juice at least once a day.  FULL SERVING OF BOTH IN EVERY CUP, YO!
• -          Be sure to eat at LEAST 3 Mexican meals per week.
• -          Drink 2 beers and 1 shot of Kentucky whiskey each night.  (Despite Rx medication suggestions not to drink alcohol. Pfft)
• -          Use those 2 beers as motivation to do 200-300 crunches (using medicine ball) prior to opening said beers.  Each night.  No excuses.  Regardless of bong rips. 
• -          Watch every sunset you possibly can.
• -          Talk to your Mom at least once a day.  Using her as a therapist works wonders and saves money.
• -          Drink at home.  This lessens your chances of 1. Getting a DUI 2. Getting killed by a drunk driver and 3. Saves way more money than bars. 
• -          Last but not least, sleep all weekend.  I mean like, for as long as possible, as late as possible.   

TRUST ME! FOLLOW THESE WONDERFUL INSTRUCTIONS – I ALMOST WAS A NURSE.